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If you noticed, "Old McDonald HAD a farm." Past tense, meaning the recession doesn't just affect you and me. Made up Farmers suffer too.
C'mon, I know I'm not the ONLY one that's tried to use their penis on their touch screen smartphone...
Things have gotten so bad here in Arizona that the band 'Foreigner' isn't allowed to play here unless they have proof of citizenship.
Magic Markers have no actual magic in them. Unless you sniff them for 3 hours straight.
That guy with the "Only God Can Judge Me" tattoo is going to feel like an idiot standing in front of a Judge after he gets his DUI tonight.
Guys, when you give her a diamond engagement ring it's like you're bribing her to marry you.
I just realized my Facebook is just one giant "Do you like me? Circle Yes or No."
I just did something really weird. I was so excited to eat this Twinkie that I tried to cup it's balls.
I want to make a movie about a Vampire that's really really lazy. He just sits on his couch thinking about killing women but says fuck it.
Poor people must love the fact that Q-Tips have two ends on them.
Labor Day? Call me when we start celebrating Abortion Day.
Watching drunk nerds arguing about computer programming is like watching drunk nerds arguing about computer programming.
Ever seen a dog dry heaving before it vomits? If you answered yes to that, you've seen what I look like while climaxing.
If guys blame farts on their dog, do women blame their queefs on their cat?
5 hours ago, I started taking off my socks. 5 hours later, I still have one sock on. Fuck you, Twitter. Fuck. You.
Reading status updates on Facebook is like reading the Bible. It's fucking stupid.
It doesn't make sense BECAUSE A DONKEY CAN'T MAKE A FIST.
I just ate a bunch of 7 hour old french fries.
I hate pants.