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I saw a guy who looked exactly how I want to look and he looked like an asshole.
Do people who give their sexual partners the pet name 'baby' know what a baby is?
I would never spank my kids unless they were acting really sexy.
I'm really into texting while driving because I love the idea of my last words being, "Haha yeah."
"You're not my real ladder!" (me to my douchebag stepladder)
Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining. Piss on my leg and tell me I'm pretty.
Throw someone's existence into question by always doing finger quotes when you say their name.
If the girl sitting next to me doesn't stop smelling like freshly sliced pears she's gonna get some bad poetry written about her.
BUTTS WEIRDER THAN DICKS??? SCIENTISTS SAY NO
Considering how fast the Earth hurtles through space, it's always an appropriate time to throw your hands up and yell, "Wheeeeee!"
If girls were as pretty as other girls tell them they are on Facebook photos, holy shit, guys. They would be SO pretty.
Look, at this point, I'm just trying to kill the environment so thoroughly not even the robots can enjoy it.
How many fistfuls of glitter should I cram into this envelope with my job application?
If my kids refuse to drink milk, I'm gonna break their bones in their sleep and tell them, "That's just gonna happen sometimes."
I have to stop calling the police every time I see a baby wearing dumb clothes.
I'm not interested in material gain like "getting pussy" but intangibles, such as "how that pussy feel."
Some asshole is crunching chips loudly in the library. Totally ruining the studying environment. TWIST: The asshole was me the whole time!
I'm in love! Wait. Never mind. I was just sitting in a really comfy position.
So I've narrowed it down and I'm either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
So I'm going down on this girl and I look up and her head has been replaced with a computer monitor showing that infinite pipes screensaver.