Pretty sure the man at breakfast wanted to fight me for laughing at his jean shorts. JORTAL KOMBAT!!

Why is Blue Moon beer garnished with an orange wedge? Wouldn't a tampon make more sense?

Attention gay toast: it gets butter.

"Lovin life with my awesome husband and friends @ Buffalo Wild Wings!!" - someone I defriended on Facebook.

You could cut the sexual tension in this KFC with a spork.

McDonalds announces all happy meals will now include a degree from The University of Phoenix.

I saw no celebrities in Famous Footwear.

At what age can I start calling men younger than me "sparky"?

Al Jazeera radio doesn't play nearly enough jazz.

I hate when I get a twist cone at Dairy Queen and it's mostly chocolate ice cream. It's like Oprah hugging Gwenyth Paltrow.

The difference between true north and magnetic north is the same difference as a lie and you look nice today.

Why is the Olive Garden's logo a bunch of grapes?

CNN doesn't report news, MTV doesn't play music, and I haven't learned anything from TLC (The LEARNING Channel) in five years. I hate TV.

If you bring your child to the bar, don't act shocked when I buy him an Irish Car Bomb.

Brave WNBA player comes out as straight.

Everytime I drive past a prison, I imagine right at that moment someone is pressing a nipple up to the glass partition in the visiting booth

I wonder if Costco sells Fourpac Shakur?

Just bumped into this chick from high school who used to talk shit about me for bring gay. She makes a horrible latte. Best. Day. Ever.

"Who is that?" - Educated Saints fan.

Obama releasing long version of Birth certificate? I hope it doesn't spill over to a TwitLonger, I hate that.