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Lost the instructions to this Ikea bookcase so now I have a replica of post-hurricane New Orleans.
Chinese buffets are really good until you get to the dessert section and then it's like what the hell happened.
I can't believe I wasted my youth wanting to be a grown-up, just so I could spend my adulthood wishing I were young again.
Sorry, Batman, the Joker fell into a vat of high fructose corn syrup, not acid. Now he's known as Chris Christie.
Just because the choice I made was wrong doesn't necessarily mean the one I didn't make was right.
When the real estate guy said "this is a win win deal", I asked "if we buy two units will it be a win, win, win, win deal?" Dude hates me.
First women want to work. Then gays want to marry. Next little people will be asking for stilts so they can bang their heads on the ceiling.
Graduation is that magical process that transforms your school from a melting pot of wisdom into a needy hobo who keeps asking for change.
I stand right next to the "God Hates Fags" guy with a sign that says "Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend"
You guys thinking what I'm thinking?
Hells yeah, BUILD A BEAR, RIGHT?
Just broke up with my girlfriend by fax. I explained everything all in just 3 pages (includes cover page).
"You want a hammer, the Magna Carta and a Coke?" - voice on the loudspeaker at the drive-through taking Bob Dylan's order.
Whenever I see a grown man crying in public, I assume he is the designer of those fat girl bathing suits sold at target.
The sky mall's "unnecessary shit to slutty teenagers" ratio is way worse than an actual mall's.
Hyper-frequent traveler, hotel snob, car nut, observing the world 140 characters at a time.
