Where do babies come from? Mostly, NFL Players.

What all those songs of heartbreak don't tell you is how Taylor likes to be choked.

Can't believe this jerk in front of me is texting in a movie theater.

I'll pay extra for the hairdresser comfortable with silence.

I should just recycle last year's Earth Day tweet.

A preacher in PA is blaming Hurricane Sandy on homosexuals. Please, everyone knows the only homosexual to want #Sandy is John Travolta.

Snooki gave birth to another 15 minutes.

How loud do I have to sigh before someone asks me what's wrong?

Go homes, Romney.

I'm sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.

This SNL sketch is way too long.

Deleted a tweet about having no regrets.

Valentine's Day sure sucks for women who are single and guys who aren't.

Adele had a baby boy, or as she describes it, another man left her.

Mrs. Petraeus should totally go on Amazon and give that book a so-so review.

Ron Jeremy has got to be disappointed in the nurses he’s seeing.

Just drove past a terrible car accident that I caused.

So, Obama, we're done with the emails, now?

I want to die at someone else’s funeral. Make it about me right to the very end.

Egg avatar? This is your day!