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Can't believe this jerk in front of me is texting in a movie theater.
What all those songs of heartbreak don't tell you is how Taylor likes to be choked.
Adele will have a song titled “Goodbye" on her album titled “95."
Squirrels don’t seem very decisive.
Now Jared’s wife is leaving him. Another divorce you can blame on the kids.
The news is 90% hoaxes and 10% telling us which news story is a hoax.
My heart goes out to all the families of adult wrestling fans.
I'll pay extra for the hairdresser comfortable with silence.
I don't believe in ghosts. If anyone has a problem with that, blow this candle out.
I'll admit, I am looking forward to talking about something other than geopolitics and energy policy with my Starbucks barista.
Goodell just watched video of the towers falling for the first time.
Sad to hear about the passing of Alice from The Brady Bunch, but I'm sure she's looking down, up and to the side, smiling.
I should just recycle last year's Earth Day tweet.
I can't believe they found the only 6 women who couldn't make a man feel guilty.
One of Hitler's paintings is being auctioned off. Do we want a bunch of Hitler enthusiasts getting together and raising their hands?
How Jewish is Los Angeles? My commute to work took 45 seconds this morning.
Comedian. Writer. Punching bag.
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