I'm so talented at getting girls to tell me they have a boyfriend.

my frat brothers and i weren't all that douchey. i mean, sure; we banged sluts, but you would've NEVER caught us tossing a football around.

Forgot my fingerless gloves tonight. No hipster pussy for THIS guy.

whenever i find myself in a Wal-Mart, my sword glows blue.

Just pulled up next to a pretty girl in traffic, gave her a wink and flung some boogers at her. #Sex

shout out to whoever designed the Tapatio bottle to ejaculate rather than pour.

hey, 13-year-old self; you won't get laid in high school, but at 28, you'll eat pizza 4 nights in a row and nobody's gonna say SHIT.

wait...you can't contract HPV with your fist, right?

blasting the hit single "We Are Young" gets me so amped to go buy booze for teenagers.

Just once, I'd like for a fuel tanker to explode in my rearview mirror.

nothing like instigating a bar fight only to realize that you're wearing your Birkenstocks.

whoa. it totally smells like tampon in this womens' restroom.

Me: "wait, haven't you ever bought condoms before?" Anonymous 29-year-old Virgin Friend: "only to, like, use as water balloons or whatever."

why is it that whenever a girl touches my arm, my first instinct is to flex my dick?

idiot cashier always asks if i found everything okay. as if dude could just produce a scandinavian soccer mom on a whim like that.

man, i really need to get back into yoga, vegetables, and mediocre intercourse.

i just wanna give this hot babe at Sizzler a pearl bracelet.

one perk to dating a blind girl: you could pee on her in the shower and she would never. ever. know.

seeing Titanic this saturday afternoon to mark its 100th anniversary of sinking like a bitch. also, by myself. #SingleAsFuck #CryForHelp

remember when your parents told you that you would grow out of acne? ...and they wonder why we don't call them on their birthdays.