My favorite health band is Spruce Beanstring and and the Vitamin A Sweet Yam! :)

Don't beat a dead horse. Or ride it either. Or praise it. Or pet it or have sex with it. Really ya gotta just leave that horse carcass alone

Who the hell has time to pee? I usually do half in the toilet then finish on the way back to the couch.

Is that a boner in your pocket or are you just... is that a boner?

Watching BORN ON THE FOURTH OF JULY, so sad how so many brave veterans returned home from Vietnam w/ facial hair poorly glued to their faces

"Talk is chirp." - bird

Easy, breezy, beautiful, Danny Glovergirl

Nice impression of Will Ferrell, everyone in comedy.

Before the internet that @ symbol was just sittin' there not doin' a fuckin' thing, huh?

Oh my god, skinny tie guy, do you know ukelele girl? You guys should totally mix it up.

I told my dog he had great comedic timing and without missing a beat he did nothing.

I'm like so awkward but also love it when things are random.

Saw a guy turn into a sugary blueberry filled pancake before my very eyes. It was crêpey.

Hay, people who when I make a joke where I pretend to be stupid & you respond with an insult as if you thought I was serious, you are stupid

Yes doctor, how do I know if I've come down with a Sudeikis or a Krasinski?

"Ugh, I've met that guy like 12 times and he never remembers my name." - what my mom prob says about me

"How dare you want to watch a movie!!!!" - Michael Haneke's movies

What do people who used to not put CDs back in right cases do wrong now?

When I was in 7th grade this one kid asked this other kid if he would drink a quart of coochie juice for $100.

I shouldn't eat this danish it's just gonna go straight to my imaaaginaaaation!