I'm excited because we'll probably get a substitute pope who lets us watch movies.

If you want to rob a white person, just say: "Stop, collaborate, and listen," then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

HOW HAS THERE NOT BEEN A GPS CALLED THE GARMIN SANDIEGO?

"I see some ladies tonight who should not legally have the right to choose whether they'll be having my baby, baby." - The Notorious RNC

I bet Duck Tales was going to be called Duck Stories, and then one guy was like: "Are you ready for me to blow your mind?"

Every time you google yourself, an angel rolls its eyes.

In Massachusetts I got to vote in favor of suicide and marijuana. The ballot was like the track list of a Black Sabbath album.

"Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to take me to Bonertown?" #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue

It would be rough to save someone from a koala attack. You'd be a hero, but everyone would think: "That dick just beat up a koala."

Release the hounds! Wait ten years! Rerelease the hounds in 3-D!

Republican women should start letting gay guys marry each other so they stop marrying them by accident.

I like all the things about running that aren't running. (Eating carbs, comfortable footwear, being cheered.)

If you want to make a nerd mad, don't hate what they like. Like what they like, but for the wrong reasons.

Every full moon I find myself wearing a striped shirt while lost in a crowd. Turns out I'm a Wereswaldo.

Modern Cheers Episode: Everyone at the bar is on their phone the whole time.

If your favorite movie is Boondock Saints, your favorite book is probably YouTube comments.

Lied about my name at Starbucks just to feel alive.

Kind of want to get coffee. Also want to avoid being subject of headline: "Sleepy Idiot Murdered By Wind"

Birth was literally my greatest athletic achievement.

Someone needs to update Mitt Romney's firmware. He just said "gosh" in an effort to sound relatable.