Twitter is the Manson Family I never had

Twitter, it's all fun and games until someones DMs

12 signs you're headed for divorce....

1. you're married

The gene pool could use a deep end

My recipe for success: Have someone else do it

If you could get a camel toe at a pastry shop, I promise you, I would never eat another bear claw again...

Some Women have this thermogenic effect on you, even after they've left, you can still breathe her scent, feel her electricity & be stunned

If you love somebody set them free- it also works equally well if you hate somebody

Just once I wish the Airlines would lose my emotional baggage too

Self-preservation: it's not just for Jams and Jellies anymore

Generic Ketchup Packets #ghettohalloweentreats

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, teach me your wisdom

These days an erotic massage consists of me rubbing my stomach when I eat

if you're not part of the problem, you're not ambitious enough

I'm just a man trapped outside a woman's body

Twitter is like 'Open Mike Night' during a meds shortage at your local mental hospital

Friends might lose touch but never lose feelings

Rescue the girl, kill the bad guy and save the world- it can be done in one tweet

Sometimes I like to have sex and not tell the whole world about it

The true genius of a Woman is her subtle flair in creating the illusion that you are the smart one