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Twitter is the Manson Family I never had
Twitter, it's all fun and games until someones DMs
12 signs you're headed for divorce....
1. you're married
The gene pool could use a deep end
My recipe for success: Have someone else do it
If you could get a camel toe at a pastry shop, I promise you, I would never eat another bear claw again...
Some Women have this thermogenic effect on you, even after they've left, you can still breathe her scent, feel her electricity & be stunned
If you love somebody set them free- it also works equally well if you hate somebody
Just once I wish the Airlines would lose my emotional baggage too
Self-preservation: it's not just for Jams and Jellies anymore
Generic Ketchup Packets #ghettohalloweentreats
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, teach me your wisdom
These days an erotic massage consists of me rubbing my stomach when I eat
if you're not part of the problem, you're not ambitious enough
I'm just a man trapped outside a woman's body
Twitter is like 'Open Mike Night' during a meds shortage at your local mental hospital
Friends might lose touch but never lose feelings
Rescue the girl, kill the bad guy and save the world- it can be done in one tweet
Sometimes I like to have sex and not tell the whole world about it
The true genius of a Woman is her subtle flair in creating the illusion that you are the smart one
Author of 'And That's Why I'm Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Ass With The Horse Still Attached? ' ©