If I had a dollar for every time he tried to put it in my asshole last night, I would definitely be eating a footlong from Subway right now.

I think that there should be a minimum of 2 follow up thrusts from a man who has ejaculated inside of you. It makes it more meaningful.

I have a weird feeling that if I keep turning down sex, I won't get laid?

I wish my Irish skin was as resilient as my Irish liver.

I'd recognize the smell of warm, 4 hour-old semen anywhere.

I swear if I don't get off work early today, I will murder the cutest thing I can find. I hope it's blonde.

Not many things get me as disappointmented in myself as running out of paper plates, forcing me to use a real one.

If your stops at the bars aren't in order from furthest away to closest to home, then we drink for different reasons.

Sometimes I'm just relieved to walk into a bar and not see someone I've fucked. I also love not caring if you're offended.

I think I would like my coworkers a lot more if they sounded like parrots with pirate accents.

The most important meal of the day should come with a side of orgasm.

I'm sorry, but I'm not quite mature enough to deal with the brand name pfister.

Not everyone that sits on the patio smokes, but everyone that smokes sits on the patio. I can't figure out how to turn this into a sex tweet

If making nachos was an art form, I'd be that sick fuck who cuts their ear off.

No lie, I decided to re-fuck my coworker this weekend just to spice up my Monday.

Anyone want to give me a push to 1,000? I'd appreciate it! If a favstar push is required, I'll try to make it worth it for ya!

Had a sneezing marathon. I imagine that was the closest I'll ever come to having multiple orgasms.

Quick! I need a shot of testosterone in my ass! You can pick the method, just make sure it gets done.

I'm the happiest bitch in the world right now! Only problem, I may need a new life goal. P S. I found Twitter just in time to save me!

I don't think I've ever put the exact right amount of water into a coffee maker, but when it comes to loading a pipe- always spot on! Weird.