Even though I'm not starred a lot I'm optimistic that my tweets are at least scrolled past fairly slowly.

My application at the CIA was denied. Apparently talking into my shirt collar all the time isn't the only qualification one needs.

I need some dick in my life. One without a bend, or a bump on it, good size, and a set of balls with no hair. A unicorn of dicks if u will.

I like to pretend my followers are an army. An army of mentally ill drug addicts that will definitely wimp out on their suicide missions.

I'm just sitting here painting my toes when all of a sudden my boss walks over & says get to work. See this is why I don't like coming here

My mom danced her ass off to keep me in guess jeans when I was a kid.

I've told you a million times, not to fuckin exaggerate.

If a guy is wearing crocs and he's not at work or the beach he deserves to have his nut sack tucked neatly inside his asshole.

Girls that make that stupid pucker in pictures should wait for my ass to come into frame before they snap it.

Omg I have so much useless shit in my purse!!! I think I'll keep all of it.--women

You motherfuckers are gonna be sick when Taylor Swifts next album is titled "Fuck Love Get Pussy"

If I ask a friend to go out and they say 'I'm down for whatever', whatever is gonna have midgets. Live and learn friends.

I just sneezed in bed lying next to my 3 yr old and he instantly said bless you. That's right playground bitches...I'm raising a real man.

I wanna be a thousandaire so freakin bad.

My dishes are just sitting in the kitchen waiting for me to do them. So is my bf. They can both keep dreaming.

Why am I not married? Well, to make a long story short, I'm a god damn genius that's why.

Thank you so much for that orgasm last night, whatever your name was.

Why couldn't I have went to high school with all you people? We could all be living at the homeless shelter together by now.

I know he's watching me walk away, and I also know my ass is telling him good bye only like the best ass could.

Figured out why my toddler shits in the bathtub every time he's in it...he's related to his dad.