I just got off the phone with my mother. She called 12 years ago.

Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's methamphetamine.

I've been on a diet for a month and I've lost exactly 4 weeks.

When I was young I wanted to be old, now that I'm old I want to be drunk.

I feel at my lowest when I have to Urban Dictionary something a white person says.

A misogynist, a woman-beater and a homophobe walk into a bar and everyone is like "omg Chris Brown!"

I like my women how I like my coffee... I don't like coffee.

The best way to baby proof your house is by being gay.

Locking you're tweets is like chaining those shitty pens to the counter.

My ex is dating a waffle house server. I win.

I use Facebook to show everyone I've ever met how much better my life is and Twitter to show people how miserable I really am.

Pretty sure my spirit animal is a slut.

I may or may not have dandruff. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

I can't wait 'til Brad Pitt leaves Angelina Jolie for her adopted Korean daughter.

I'm at my gayest when I'm drinking red wine, crying and singing Whitney Houston's I Have Nothing at the top of my lungs.

"If being #gay is a choice, then I urge any straight person to try and make that choice. Go ahead give it a shot." hmm.... Touché

If you put ranch dressing on your pizza you had an abortion in high school.

I just farted so loud at the gym! Thank God I had my headphones on so no one could hear it.

Do you guys remember when Mariah Carey wasn't black?

I just saw someone try to pay for gas by trying to trade their baby. Smart woman.