“@senderblock23: I can't believe Stuart Scott's left eye is allowed on television.” < it's not, that's why it looks away sadly.

When I take a bubble baths I like to form nice hair styles out of the bubbles and call wife in to see how handsome I COULD be if I had hair.

It's like my cats don't even want to participate in my P90X program. Well they can think about that decision in the fucking pound.

Show prospective employers you are enthusiastic about the job by doing the worm all the way to the interview room.

Whenever I take bubble baths I always form big beards and mustaches out of bubbles and holler at wife to 'come check this shit out!' I'm 36.

Apparently my optometrist does NOT want to gaze into my brown eye and I need to find a new optometrist.

The cat took a shit on the carpet in the shape of a happy face. I think she's a sadist

Some guys are so lazy they sit like a lady when they pee!!! Ok me too.

Now that I have over 200 followers I would like to tell you all about a great work from home opportunity....

When life kicks you in the nuts, remember, WWHD?

(What would Hoobastank do?)

That's retarded send

The older I get the harder it is to not piss uncontrollably as I step into a hot bath. Anymore I just go with it.

Maybe blackberry would have better products if they'd quit hiring DeVry and University of Phoenix engineers.

Sure, all the nice girls are taken. Know what? That don't bother me. (Tapes wig on cat)

You all know why snoop dog carries an umbrella right? Fo' drizzle! #nailedit #greatstuff #lonely

Words with friends to your mothers.

Just saw a co-worker go home early cause he shit his pants at work. #blessed

“@oscardelahoya: Golden boy and top rank will make history together in making all these great fights happen.”<boycotting PPV until may v paq

Have this funny relationship with my cats where they shit on the carpet but I wipe my boogers on them for payback.

Drank half a bottle of listerine and I still can't seem to get into it. Fresh breath though.

Installing some truck nuts on my Prius to counter-act the fact that I sit when I pee. They cancel each other out right?