Since 2 gallons of gas is equivalent to buying a 12-pack of beer, I'm just going to get plastered and walk everywhere.

Hey...how many hipsters does it take to screw in a light blub???
I'm not sure, but I have the answer on vinyl.

Write 3 lines that rhyme on a piece of paper. Make paper in a ball and throw at trash can. Repeat.

-Typical day at the office for Ja Rule

If R. L. Stine was smart, he’d release a “Goosebumps” book where John Mayer lives under your bed and plays acoustic sessions for five hours.

French kissing is great, but French-Canadian kissing is much better because they taste like maple syrup and Crown Royal.

"I've _____ while I'm ____ and _____. Now ____ ______ ______ when _____ this ______ cut that _____ trailer _____"
-Radio edited Eminem song

Dear Toyota,
Explaining to me that the Toyota Tundra comes with an "aluminum tranny" sounds gross and disturbing, not macho and badass.

Hit a Full House playing poker and said, "I got Danny, Jesse, Joey, and the Olsen twins." Friends didn't get it so I'm looking for new ones.

If your wondering why your meth lab blew up, it's because you never watched Bill Nye as a kid.

If there was a group of liquor saints, I guess Patron would obviously be the Patron Saint, right?

I'd become more socially acceptable if I was able to mute half of the people I meet.

"Now, I ain't saying she's a gold digger," but her index finger is like 3 inches up her nose right now.

I call myself a mathematician because you can count on me not getting laid tonight.

FACT: If you take a shot when someone says, "like" in Keeping Up With the Kardashians, you'll be dead after the first 4 minutes of the show.

I always told myself that I'd never be like my dad and here I am, sitting naked on the couch, eating potato chips, watching Fox News.

I was going to live-Tweet sex, but it takes me more than two minutes to type out a Tweet.

Hey Canada Day, nice try, but I'll stick to getting plastered on Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick's day.

Sincerely,
Americans

I really wish stupid people could limit their word usage to only 140 characters.

I really wish I could carry a saltshaker of STDs and sprinkle it on assholes.

I always get mad when people put bibles in the fictional section of the bookstore. I move them back to the right place; Science fiction.