Popular Recent Faved By Given
Friends: 299
Followers: 393
Favs Given: 6,788
Favs Rec'd: 2,077
@jsttmfb's (I'm so street) most faved Tweets...
jsttmfb
I imagine it was right about now when Mary's water broke.

Splash. Jesus juice everywhere.
@jsttmfb
jsttmfb
This rental car smells like KFC and weed. Not that I'd know anything about that. I don't eat much chicken.
@jsttmfb
jsttmfb
I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the map. Kill me.
@jsttmfb
jsttmfb
You say "love den," I say "fuckpartment."
@jsttmfb
jsttmfb
Luke, I fucked your mother.

#1stdraftmovielines
@jsttmfb
jsttmfb
My 4-yo: "P-E-T-S-M-A-R-T...what does that spell, Mom?"

Me: "Sound it out. What do you think it spells, Sweetheart?"

4yo: "Store?"
@jsttmfb
jsttmfb
OH: "Just tell her to shut her ball-washer."
@jsttmfb
jsttmfb
Naked is one thing, but naked with short hair is like super naked.
@jsttmfb
jsttmfb
You know it's a bad day when you find yourself looking for a stray Milk Dud from yesterday's movie in the bottom of your purse.
@jsttmfb
jsttmfb
Just caught myself about to click "Like" on a Facebook status about the removal of 14" of pre-cancerous colon.

It has come to this.
@jsttmfb
jsttmfb
Pelosi spent $3,000 dollars on flowers in three months.

I suddenly don't feel so bad about my November burrito expenses.
@jsttmfb
jsttmfb
My friend: "Im not trying to be a vegetarian. I'm trying to reduce my meat footprint."

Yes. Of course I made fun of him.
@jsttmfb
jsttmfb
My mom thinks the lyrics are: "We're going to rock down to Electric Avenue and then we'll pick papaya."

She's from Wisconsin.
@jsttmfb
jsttmfb
At 20-year high school reunion. Just got our valedictorian to dance to "Pussy Control."

My work here is done.
@jsttmfb
16
tjtalks_in_mathsFreakdadBeef_TongueCampNicoleMODATBeccaPianowifeoftjBalutsmashedpotatoesDrBadhandsbedheadblondethebenbrooksxrayedmanGotBacchusSuck_A_Duck
jsttmfb
Contemplating a career change.

Because professional kickboxers get to kick people in the face. At work.
@jsttmfb
16
ChiNurseoldjoesmithreallyabrevi8MODATsweenTrick_or_tweetelbeardsmashedpotatoesDrBadhandsAspiringBettybedheadblondethebenbrooksMoodyPlaylistxrayedmanGotBacchusSuck_A_Duck
jsttmfb
Hearing the one you love say, "Tweet that!" is like a high-five plus a wink after sex.
@jsttmfb
15
toddstertjvanssaiamjustcarabrianicusthe_dzaFreakdadbedheadblondethebenbrooksEsseErrefermentedgrapesxrayedmanMODATSuck_A_Ducknae2shabby
jsttmfb
(. ) ( .)

.

\/


& feet.
@jsttmfb
15
talks_in_mathstjBeef_TongueMODATjayfanelliian_Wrightavi1111Ryan_DuncanyhfyodelmachinethebenbrooksMoodyPlaylistk2bfSuck_A_Ducknae2shabby
jsttmfb
Just rolled over my 401(k) from my last job.

Feels like finally getting my favorite sweater and mix tapes back after dumping an asshole.
@jsttmfb
15
talks_in_mathsyppahiMODATtalnessivegotzoomssartre0nilsmashedpotatoesDrBadhandsJohnnyChimpobedheadblondethebenbrookssome1s_sistaMoodyPlaylistxrayedmanSuck_A_Duck
jsttmfb
Hey, asshole. I know I'm in a skirt and all, but how do you know the car isn't for me?

I bet you made a great salesman.

In 1950.
@jsttmfb
14
sucittaMBettyLiesthebenbrooksbedheadblondeRolandSlingerfactualfictionCheVolayJohnnyChimpojantzieknitterpleaseMilo_BloomjustalittletastSpinchangetalks_in_maths
jsttmfb
I think that somewhere in a lab, my gallbladder is alone in a beaker, staring at the ceiling and thinking where it all went wrong for us.
@jsttmfb
14
joeschmitttalks_in_mathssandwichpolicemathcat345califmomwifeoftjyodelmachinejeffjohnson14DrBadhandsthebenbrooksfermentedgrapesxrayedmanMODATGotBacchus
Tip: To have your favorites shown faster, follow @favstar