Check me out tomorrow at 10AM #vh1buzz with @carriekeagan, this time she and @angegold will stop me from cursing live on air. @vh1

Belated: SWEET Sketch Cram with @karilouhamm @kate_hess @kevhines @willhines @johnmilhiser @eaxford @benjaminapple @bgulya @bigzackpoitras

Thanks @jenafriedman @natooshie @charla_la @alanstarzinski @seanmichaelhart @benwarheit @vornietom @onassiscomedy for a sweet SchoolNight!

Look, in those days, The Godfather wasn't exactly getting any offers he couldn't refuse.
#HermanCainApology

Really hitting that "old men who can still receive handjobs" demographic. pic.twitter.com/tdVAF1v5fG

The thing about dry cleaning is, no one knows how it works.

Check out today's #MANSOME featuring @abby_holland. I promise I'm not this douchey in real life.

Today's #Mansome @morganspurlock teaches me to not drunk dial. With @curlycomedy @mikescollins @themeganmaes http://t.co/OQgjNWw8

The Lollipop Guild is all representatives and no leaders.

@curlycomedy That's a pretty funny Aids Walk right there. http://t.co/05PHc4MF

#wordsyouwillneverhearmesay I almost fell for this one! I'm never ever sayin' dem words.

50% of the time I say someone is a "real character", I usually mean they are a "big asshole", but I have to be diplomatic about it.

Film critics should just use their reviews from when Titanic was first in the theatre.

@themattlittle You're right! I just played the song backwards and it says "Hercule Poirot Solves All" over and over again.

When someone else runs your Twitter, at least have them type it in the 1st person?

After a hard day's work, Satan sits down to some nice soul food.

#WiseWordsToLiveBy You gotta find out what the wise words to live by are.

"Let's do this." - A Guy

“@no1twittparty: Oh my god @thecomedyjokes Brought me 100 new followers. You must follow it !” Already do and I'm losing followers!

Chris Christie is super fat. That's it.