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There’s nothing we can do, Governor. His last meal request was Olive Garden’s never ending pasta bowl.
(Keeps having sex even though his Spotify playlist has been interrupted by an Autozone commercial)
How much longer until we replace eye exam charts with Coachella lineup posters?
Why is it when a woman fucks a lot of people she's a "slut" but when a man fucks an entire country he's "a member of Congress?"
"That's a good argument, but allow me to play Devil's Advocate."
(Turns on DVD player)
"This should prove that it's actually a bad movie."
“I like it, but I can’t help but notice that the car doesn’t fly away at the end for no reason whatsoever.” – Grease writers’ room
To get your Donald Trump name take the street you grew up on, then don't let any minorities rent property there.
Bagpipes where invented when a Scottish man blew air into a sheep’s corpse and thought, “This would sound good at cop funerals.”
MAN: What’s your favorite book?
WOMAN: Girl interru-
MAN: Mine’s Infinite Jest.
Pisces – You’re a dumb shit for believing in horoscopes
Gemini - You’re a dumb shit for believing in horoscopes
Libra - You’re a dumb shit f
One ring to rule them all, two rings to show you’re not too eager, three rings to- you know what, I’m gonna let this go to voicemail.
The craziest part about someone in NYC having ebola is that I'm typing about it on a magic talk machine that can show me naked people.
(Belle kisses Beast and the curse is broken)
Mrs. Potts: I’m a cook again!
Cogsworth: I’m a butler again!
Lumière: I’m an arsonist again!
Best Dashboard Confessional songs:
1. Sad, sad cry boy
2. Cry boy so sad
3. Is cry boy sad? Yes.
4. Sometimes cry boy is happy. JK. Is sad.
Who died and made you king? Your father did. I’m just reminding you that your father is dead.
2016 has proven that anyone can die. And it looks like 2017 will prove that everyone can die.
♬ Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time / You made a dumb deal with the devil, now you eat pizza all the time ♬
I once choked out a goose when I was five years olf. Yeah, I know I typed "olf" instead of "old" but what's done is done.
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