@darrenrovell If I threw a ball 50 MPH, but that ball was a car, and the field was in a School Zone, how much would my fine be?

*decides to kill self*
*logs on to Facebook 1 last time*
*sees motivational quote from friend who works at Chili's*
*changes mind, lives*

@KrangTNelson "How can we get chicks to wanna do us?"
"I know: fedoras. We'll look like old timey gangsters."
"Perfect! I'll grab my grey hoodie."

*Pulls away from kissing*
*Puts on headset*

"Hello 911, what's your emergency?"

@JennyJohnsonHi5 All @chrisbrown's followers come off as real geniuses @laviedejonee @msbreezydoesit @NaeFresh TEAM BREEZetards #beatwomen

Sure, she's hot. But is she real-life hot or just Twitter hot?

"I won, fair & square. And it's pretty crooked for any of you to try to verify that." - our president-elect

@Freeyourmindkid Self-segregation is equally deplorable. It leads to the level of ignorance that causes people to vote for someone like Trump.

Life hack: save time. Just post the same 3 selfies over & over. Nobody can honestly tell the difference.

"Do you ever need to think for yourself? Stay tuned for the answer!" @FoxNews  https://twitter.com/ironghazi/status/843830737824628736 …

Maybe Elliot Rodgers killed people because he had better access to guns rather than mental health services. @AnnHornaday @NRA #IslaVista

@Freeyourmindkid @ToriGlass @KrZy4NIN American xenophobia is the fear that immigrants will treat white people the way their ancestors treated the native Americans.

If my drunk texts were as clever as my drunk tweets, I wouldn't be waking up alone.

But I'd still be trying to find where I put my pants.

What did people do while they were on the toilet before Twitter & smartphones? Have actual conversations with reach other? Gross.

Don't worry about ISIS. Nobody intends more harm to the well-being of Americans than the @GOP.

@bakedalaska try not to melt, you precious little snowflake pic.twitter.com/dEDjqlOCEN

Every time I wave my hands & the automatic faucet still doesn't come on, my dream of being a magician fades a little more.

Working on a piece that turns Bill Murray from Stripes into Herzog the Nazi Zombie Commander from Dead Snow 2. pic.twitter.com/syiZOfLo6Q

@HeerJeet it's because Libertarians are amazingly dumb.