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Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she "couldn't make it in to work." This is called managing upwards, people.
My children are taking me to lunch. I get to choose where. And drive. And pay.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.
A mansion. Multiple women. Viagra. Porn. Recorded rants. Bin Laden was one line of coke from being the next star of Two and a Half Men.
If you work hard enough and smart enough, your boss will get promoted and be someone else’s problem.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I’m doing what I’ve always done. Learning from the mistakes of others who take my advice.
By the power invested in me by the State of Intoxication, Monday is canceled.
One may be the loneliest number, but it never has to pick anyone else’s underwear up from the bathroom floor.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
It's amusing Classmates.com expects you to pay for access to the same people you're ignoring on Facebook.
All the ribbons and banners and colors are no substitute for the only cure for prejudice: Teach your children well, by example.
Pretending you're dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
My neighbors thought the tombstones in my yard were festive until they saw their pets' names scrawled on them.
I don’t want to sound racist, but I’m surprised great white sharks can jump.
Men too interested in sex may be diagnosed with "hypersexual disorder" under new APA guidelines. Women will still be called “whores.”
Nothing quite takes the place of research like making stuff up.
America is pretty homophobic for a country founded by men who wore wigs and capris.
I'm about the only person I know IRL not taking an anti-depressant. I must just be a carrier.
Absolutely I burn my bridges behind me! It’s the only way to ensure I don’t try to make my way back in a moment of drunken weakness.
I’d leave more things unsaid, but I’m a woman.