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Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she "couldn't make it in to work." This is called managing upwards, people.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.
A mansion. Multiple women. Viagra. Porn. Recorded rants. Bin Laden was one line of coke from being the next star of Two and a Half Men.
If you work hard enough and smart enough, your boss will get promoted and be someone else’s problem.
America is pretty homophobic for a country founded by men who wore wigs and capris.
Pretending you're dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
All the ribbons and banners and colors are no substitute for the only cure for prejudice: Teach your children well, by example.
My children are taking me to lunch. I get to choose where. And drive. And pay.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Before you hit Send, remember — it goes on your permanent record.
I’m doing what I’ve always done. Learning from the mistakes of others who take my advice.
Talked to my kids when Twitter was down. Surprisingly, one has graduated high school and the other is driving.
There are worse things than the end of the world.
Alec Baldwin said he'd never fly American Airlines again, which should probably be their next marketing campaign.
I find I save a lot of time getting ready by not going anywhere.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Why do people focus on the 43% of marriages that end in divorce instead of the 57% that end in DEATH?
If I use the word "please" twice in one email, you're safe to consider it a death threat.
Of course we believe Note Dame when it says Te’o was the victim in this hoax because a large fraternity of Catholic men would never lie.
I’d leave more things unsaid, but I’m a woman.