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Two and a Half Men. One Cup. #evilsitcoms
Thinking of being the first person to get hit by a Google bus. This one's for my city.
Old men at the bar asking me to close the door. Almost 50 years later and their generation is still trying to dodge drafts.
You ever get so drunk that you're cool?
Golden Shower Girls #evilsitcoms
I like doing comedy and being a comic. I'm poor though.
I can beat up any member of Weezer! Except for the original bass player. That guy's got demons.
I'm trying to expand my vocabulary and it's going... alright. Fuck!
Curbstomp Your Enthusiasm #evilsitcoms
Sometimes I just yell, "WORLDSTAR HIP HOP!" because I'm constantly fighting my demons.
Just saw a really, really buff dude sneeze.
How come you never see Guy Fieri and the lead singer of Smash Mouth at the same place at the same time?
Javelin catching #RejectedOlympicEvents
If a comic's promo shot is of them holding a mic up to their mouth when they're not actually performing, they suck.
I drink so much bourbon that I literally sweat Bulleits.