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Thinking of being the first person to get hit by a Google bus. This one's for my city.
Two and a Half Men. One Cup. #evilsitcoms
New motto for San Francisco: "If you can make it here, you're probably a scumbag."
There is no secret to success. Just work hard and have undeniable talent or rich parents
gonna start texting girls, "u ok?" at two in the morning. i'm changing the game.
Old men at the bar asking me to close the door. Almost 50 years later and their generation is still trying to dodge drafts.
Succeed in comedy in 3 steps:
1. Make people laugh
2. Be chill to people
"I'm totally a feminist"
*Removes mask to reveal he's been an alt comedy fuccboi the whole time!
Golden Shower Girls #evilsitcoms
Real World in the streets. Road Rules in the sheets.
You ever get so drunk that you're cool?
IF UR NOT AWARE THAT DESTINY'S CHILD WAS ORIGINALLY FOUR MEMBERS, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!
Girl at taco truck: "You eat tacos fast."
Me: "That's not the only thing I eat fast ;)"
How do you get pepper spray out of your eyes?
I'm still impressed by karate
just bombed so hard this dude gave me 5 bucks after my set
I can beat up any member of Weezer! Except for the original bass player. That guy's got demons.
I like doing comedy and being a comic. I'm poor though.
Comedian: 5'6 170 lbs. Bats: R Throws: R
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