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Two and a Half Men. One Cup. #evilsitcoms
New motto for San Francisco: "If you can make it here, you're probably a scumbag."
Thinking of being the first person to get hit by a Google bus. This one's for my city.
Old men at the bar asking me to close the door. Almost 50 years later and their generation is still trying to dodge drafts.
Golden Shower Girls #evilsitcoms
Real World in the streets. Road Rules in the sheets.
You ever get so drunk that you're cool?
I can beat up any member of Weezer! Except for the original bass player. That guy's got demons.
I like doing comedy and being a comic. I'm poor though.
Curbstomp Your Enthusiasm #evilsitcoms
I'm trying to expand my vocabulary and it's going... alright. Fuck!
Sometimes I just yell, "WORLDSTAR HIP HOP!" because I'm constantly fighting my demons.
Just saw a really, really buff dude sneeze.
How come you never see Guy Fieri and the lead singer of Smash Mouth at the same place at the same time?
Javelin catching #RejectedOlympicEvents
Comedian: 5'5 155 lbs. Bats: R Throws: R
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