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Two and a Half Men. One Cup. #evilsitcoms
New motto for San Francisco: "If you can make it here, you're probably a scumbag."
Thinking of being the first person to get hit by a Google bus. This one's for my city.
Old men at the bar asking me to close the door. Almost 50 years later and their generation is still trying to dodge drafts.
Golden Shower Girls #evilsitcoms
Real World in the streets. Road Rules in the sheets.
You ever get so drunk that you're cool?
Girl at taco truck: "You eat tacos fast."
Me: "That's not the only thing I eat fast ;)"
How do you get pepper spray out of your eyes?
I can beat up any member of Weezer! Except for the original bass player. That guy's got demons.
I like doing comedy and being a comic. I'm poor though.
Curbstomp Your Enthusiasm #evilsitcoms
Just ate some mushrooms and I'm so down to talk about 9/11 and/or the illuminati.
I'm trying to expand my vocabulary and it's going... alright. Fuck!
Sometimes I just yell, "WORLDSTAR HIP HOP!" because I'm constantly fighting my demons.
Just saw a really, really buff dude sneeze.
Comedian: 5'5 155 lbs. Bats: R Throws: R
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