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Celebrity deaths are the "beach ball at a concert" of twitter.
If James Bond were black Adele would be a Bond girl.
I'm worried "the Internet" was an experiment and we all failed.
If you try to shoot Rick Ross and miss a dozen times, maybe rap assassin isn't your true calling.
"People want to drink a panic attack." -- inventor of 5 Hour Energy
After sex I walk away in slow motion as she explodes behind me.
"Welcome to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory! Your wildest dreams are about to come true." Willy Wonka
"Cool. What's the WiFi password?" Me
Ugh stuck behind this ambulance going 90 mph
When Romney talks I get the same feeling I get when Old Navy tries to convince me they really have the coolest Fall fashions.
Genetically speaking I suspect I have more in common with a koala bear than I do with an Olympic gymnast.
MySpace just bought an old Polaroid camera at a yard sale for 8 bucks.
Our country is the kid who wears a shirt in the pool.
When you pee on the iPhone 5, it turns pink if you're pregnant.
The calories from Girl Scout cookies don't count because they're for charity.
Just saw a Prius ram into another Prius. There was glitter everywhere.
Robert Pattinson is in perfect position to start the most popular emo band of all time.
Everybody has one friend that if the texts between the two of you were made public your lives would be ruined.
Mountain Dew is following Walmart on here. It's like finding out your teachers have their own friends.
My album License to Chill comes out in May on Comedy Central Records. Late Night w/ Jimmy Fallon, Guy Code, donuts.