that time my father pronounced 'hors d'oeuvres' as 'horse divorce' in front of other humans

"this is your captain speaking, we're cruising at an altitude of 35,000 feet. my son greg is a bisexual & wants to be a violinist"

sorry i missed your thing -i was watching this turtle eat a raspberry on the youtube

i've been kicked out of gayer human centipedes than this

. @cinnabon I ordered a cinnabon but received a ball of yarn covered in toothpaste??

no one wants to see your fucking sock tan, linda

welcome to america; here's your tub of ice cream

if i asked joseph gordon-levitt "are you chinese" he would say "nope" & i would friggin lose it because he is

happy birthday lance bass 🐟👉👈

if joseph gordon-levitt said "i'm not chinese at all" i'd be like "not even both your parents?" because he's lying

intercepting airport hugs

welcome to the jungle we have guys named steve

put fruit in my salad & i'll see you in court

a perfectly acceptable way of dealing with biking through a spiderweb is packing your bags & moving to reykjavik

when you kiss a squirrel you're kissing every squirrel that squirrel has been with

"smell this poison, dog" - michael cera in 'the dog poisoner'

bring your gender neutral snacks to work day

if joseph gordon-levitt said "i've got something to tell you" i'd be all "you're chinese. i've known for literally a week now"

*drops purse, hundreds of bat photos spill onto the floor*

it was lance bass in the conservatory with the bedazzler