I climbed a hill in SF last night in heels with the grace of a newborn baby giraffe. Luckily the gays took pity & helped me #fairygodfathers

Good news, everyone! Only 982,145 more miles until I'm a United Premier Gold Member.

Wish the "shoulda had a V8" campaign hadnt ended. I really took a liking to smacking people in the face in the name of vegetable consumption

When you choose not to enroll in Accidental Death or Dismemberment insurance, you're kinda being cocky about your ability to keep your limbs

Target trips 2 days IN A ROW. #ladyheaven

Based on my freezing-apartment inspired attire, I just googled to see if "Lil Fleezy" was still an available stagename. Sadly, it's not :(

The time-change is making me very insecure. I forget if I'm supposed to feel outraged or well-rested. Assistance needed. Thanks in advance.

Having a terrible head-cold in SF is so unsatisfying in that I just look and sound like a gender-transitioning homeless person, so "normal"

How long is too long to sit in a steam room? Do you just dehydrate and rehydrate in perpetuity like a sweaty Benjamin Button?

I cancelled out the productivity of my Saturday with the laziness of my Sunday. #notsorry

Just danced the night away with a bunch of beautiful gay men in SF.

Update: not to worry, still dying alone.

Nobody panic but Les Mis is STILL IN THEATERS #emeryville @aimeebidlack @hardensauce

@dannyernie can't decide if you're my nemesis or I love you. I CAN'T QUIT YOU.

It's not really Valentines day until you receive a GOP v-day ecard  http://www.gopvalentine.com/  , attn: @hardensauce

@aimeebidlack it made me happy. He's like a mocha cherub in Aimee accessories. What's not to love?!

trick question becuz THEY AINT NUTHIN

Pretty sure #brunomars is wearing @aimeebidlack 's hat right now #Grammys

Getting culturally enriched at the rodeo #fwssr pic.twitter.com/BCzDb7Iq

!!! Controversial Opinion: “The Lizzie McGuire Movie” Was Way Better Than The Show -  http://bzfd.it/XIoydV  @hardensauce

@katieebaran @michaelstonacek evidence that the jcp photo still graces my home pic.twitter.com/VFuURnf7

This congestion makes me sound like the cowardly lion.