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It's actually hilarious that the Pope has accepted the new technology that enables Twitter and remains pre-medieval on Africa/AIDS/condoms.
The Jenny McCarthy Show premieres tonight! You'll laugh so hard you'll forget to vaccinate your kids! They will be in huge danger!
I wish you made coffee by lying in bed reading Twitter on your phone
Dave Mustaine should be kicked out of Metallica again for endorsing Santorum.
Please RT if you'd like to see Jane Lynch and the guy from Everclear play sisters in something.
I'm not live tweeting the Oscars because I killed myself.
Quentin Tarantino, Guy Fieri & Reverend Horton Heat enter a cocaine-eating contest. Winner gets a bowling shirt with dice AND flames on it.
RT if your social anxiety manifests in emailing people for something innocuous then panicking like you lied to the cops about murder
Shout out to quiche for being pie you can eat in the morning without people saying you're "depressed" or "need to get your life together"
What part of Truth or Dare showed Madonna agreeing on a dare to hire a Seth Rogen lookalike to be her background tightrope dancer in 2012?
Our country has absolutely no idea how to deal with mental illness.
Fell asleep to Bill Maher so my dreams were sadistic and arrogant, but ultimately closer to my worldview than I feel comfortable admitting
Chevy Chase and Keith Olbermann seem like really cool, humble, self-aware bros that just want to do what's best for everybody.
Things I am afraid of today, in order: 1) My feelings 2) All of the food in my refrigerator
"Victoria Jackson" is the sloppiest Tony Clifton-esque character ever
"I'm sleeping, Asshole." --ALL BOOKSTORE CATS
I'LL stop posting Instagram selfies when YOU invent a time machine that lets me bully every boy from high school into saying I'm pretty
It's not Spring until I take a Klonopin in the bathroom during a Seder.