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Björk isn't really lawn-mowing music. Unless you are using a scythe. By the light of the new moon.
Thanks, contacts who've never seen my work, for endorsing my skills on LinkedIn!
I should have started drinking at 11 a.m. like I wanted to.
"OK, I'm almost done writing 'Winter Wonderland,' but what rhymes with bluebird?"
"Um, 'new bird'?"
"It's a wrap."
Opening a browser tab and forgetting where you were planning to go is the new walking into a room and forgetting what you needed from there.
Not to brag, but it only took 20 minutes of being at the park before both of my kids cut themselves on tufts of dried ornamental grass.
Asking the same question over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of my children.
Why of course SFO has a yoga room. And of course I have availed myself of it.
It's pretty rad when you think you forgot your son's leftover French toast at the diner but then find it in your purse 6 days later.
Oh Sum divided by Total, why you gotta be so Mean?
Don't like my ice-cold hands during diaper changes? THEN POTTY TRAIN, DAUGHTER.
Cadbury Creme Egg sighting at the grocery store tonight. Jesus was born just 2 weeks ago; could we maybe wait a bit before we crucify him?
SOME SCIENTISTS ARE GONNA GET LAID TONIGHT
Never doubt that a small amount of peanut butter can improve an average banana. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.
The Beatles certainly have a monopoly on tax-themed songs.
The Betty Cooper of twitter.
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