At the coffee shop, I saw a German guy reading the first few pages of a book about WWII and smiling. Keep reading, buddy. Keep reading.

Ikea meatballs pulled from shelves because they contain horse meat. Man, that's the last time I buy meatballs at a furniture store.

The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.

There's nothing scarier than a squirrel who's not afraid of you.

In case you're thinking about having a kid, my daughter just threw a tantrum because I wouldn't let her watch me poop.

10,000 years from now people will probably be incredibly confused why they keep digging up dog shits perfectly preserved in plastic bags.

My dad was a Marine who won a silver star medal on Guadalcanal. He always said, "I support gun control because I've had them fired at me."

My wife just bought toilet paper from Costco which is great because later today we're having 3,000 people over to take a shit.

I wish I was as good at anything as gay men are at pretending they're glad to see someone.

Hey iTunes, why would I pre-order an album? What, are you going to run out of MP3s?

Does anyone really give a shit if we're better than other countries at swimming? What are we, 8 years old?

They show the T-mobile girl ride a motorcycle to a helicopter but the one thing they never show is her successfully making a phone call.

I'll vote for whichever candidate promises to get rid of banner ads that move when you scroll down.

A Hummer limo is a great way to show people you'd be an asshole all the time, if you just had the money.

The only reason I have a home phone is to find my cell phone.

Most of Mitt Romney's foreign policy knowledge comes from the summer after college when he briefcased through Europe.

I love Katy Perry's message of happiness through big tits and a purple wig.

I can't believe a probe just landed on Mars and it took me three tries to get a bottom sheet onto my bed.

Newt Gingrich's ex-wife claims he wanted an open marriage. How sad is this world that two women have to fight over Newt Gingrich?

The guy in front of me at the coffee shop just learned Whitney Houston died. He's gonna completely freak out when I tell him about 9/11.