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I'm not writing any Renée Zellweger or Matthew McConaughey tweets because I don't feel like constantly looking up how to spell their names.
A white guy just delivered my Chinese food. It appears as though the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King has come true. In a weird way.
If I had a time machine I'd go back to the early morning of Nov 22, 1963 and warn President Kennedy that Jackie should wear a darker dress.
My husband thinks I'm SUPER smart! He asks me every 5 seconds if I think he has cancer.
Awwww... I'm not a doctor, you silly charmer.
I've never had empathy for a missing hiker.
Need new eyeglass frames. My insurance only covers 3 styles: Pervert Architect, 1930s Banker, and Fiftysomething HAM Radio Enthusiast.
Remember, if your immigrant grandmother introduces a character in the 1st act of her story, she'll whisper you their ethnicity by the 3rd.
Ebola patient immediately met friends for Mexican food, douple-dipped in salsa, constantly offered sips of her marg screaming, "TRY THIS!"
I'd been in LA less than five hours before my friend mentioned that he had a fig guy at the farmers market.
I have always found it a bit amazing that a regular person can just become a dentist.
Alumni magazines: find out who's dead now.
I closed my laptop on half a cookie and when I found it 2 hours later I could have cried with happiness
The real truth lurks inside the texts we start typing but discard.
Oh a Man Booker Prize NOMINEE? Sorry, I don't read books by losers.
I wish I could occasionally blame my erratic behavior on a new birth control.
I would have frozen my eggs only if I could have frozen this really good babysitter.
Saw an overweight grandmother at my kid's school and for a second I was pretty sure it was Elton John.
Don't forget to post terrible stuff everyone already knew about Christopher Columbus while acting like you're blowing the lid off Watergate.
My Columbus tweet bombed and now I hate him, too.
Writer for Family Guy and now Dads on FOX. Frequent bathrobe wearer.
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