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How to spend the next three hours:
1. Find a girl on instagram who is a prettier version of yourself.
2. Study her.
"Your Honor, may I approach the bench?"
"My name's Philip and this is a graduation gown I found out back of Arby's."
"Motion to dismiss."
for a worthless piece of shit, I actually have pretty decent self-esteem
I still can't figure out what "Syriana" was about.
Still hoping Dose Nuts will enter the race
what's the BEST case scenario for these air shows? planes fly around?
Remember that night we all went to sleep, woke up and every cocktail suddenly became 15 dollars a piece?
Made waffles for bkfast & I'm not high but I just had a stoner moment of "Dude, we're pouring tree sap on our food!"
Crossed my legs, locked eyes with a guy in a Vietnam Veteran hat, slowly uncrossed my legs.
Douche jousting (two selfie-stick owners running at each other full speed)
All items removed from Gene Simmons' home to be stored in officially-licensed KISS (tm) Evidence Bags.
Lotta Apple Watches just sitting on the top of dressers at this point.
Now Jared’s wife is leaving him. Another divorce you can blame on the kids.
If someone writes an article called "30 Things I Learned When I Gave Up Social Media", they haven't actually learned anything.
I can't imagine the hours spent cleaning crumbs out of Jared Fogle's keyboard before detectives could finally start looking for child porn.
I like when a football team has a wheelchair-bound former player on the sideline to show that they've learned nothing.
They're called "progressive lenses" because they bake their own bread and support Bernie Sanders
hi i have an unpopular opinion:
never met fat jew but I do think it's possible for plagiarists to be good people (e.g. MLK, Goodall, Biden).
Think of how many people are unloading their hidden anti-Semitism by saying "Fat Jew" with complete disgust every chance they get right now.
I threatened four people at a party last night by saying, "Let's do dinner soon."
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