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Just saw a photo of the "Long Island Medium"... looks more like a "Long Island Large".
I wonder if eating a citizen of Turkey would make you sleepy later.
It must have been tough in the1950's, when you'd have to go on SEVERAL dates with someone before seeing a photo of their butthole.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I'm supposed to stop reading the internet.
I wonder if being waterboarded is worse than watching someone you dislike happily lick the lid of their yogurt cup.
Hey, ISIS, maybe I'm just easy to terrorize but I swear a good pantsing would be just as effective as a beheading for me.
R.I.P. the phrase "I don't have an opinion on it."
Born 1550 - Died 2014
Nothing screams great at sex like the guy who is super particular about exactly which slice of pizza he gets.
Went for a massage today & got a happy ending! (Two Korean ladies re-cut the end of The Sopranos finale to make it clear Tony lives!)
To every "wacky" girl crouching in the "girls having a night out" photo, you. are. beautiful. No matter what they say. You could've stood.
If we've learned anything from George Clooney's wedding, it's that there is no graceful way to get into a water taxi.
I'll probably just tell my grandchildren I was in Fugazi.
Those luxury car ads with a sexy couple zigzagging through the hills should really end with the passenger puking on the side of the road.
Fun Fact: When your favorite football team wins, you don't win. You're just drunk on a couch screaming at a TV.
Want to feel old? Every player from Tecmo Bowl is dead
I was invited to Clooney's wedding but I already had committed to my wife's co-worker's birthday party in Studio City
Current dad level: stoked on my new cargo shorts.
I'd love a couch that started to talking to you softly, in a deep voice, every night after 1AM.
Just watched a dog actor successfully feign indifference to congealed beef for several takes. I won't lie, he gave me a lot to think about.
Writer for Family Guy and now Dads on FOX. Frequent bathrobe wearer.
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