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I feel like I'd make a lot more money if I were a famous latina actress with massive branding potential.
In the relationship with my mother, I am Scotland.
Those "I'm so lucky to be married to my best friend" Facebook updates are code for "I'm totally in the doghouse and I hope this bs helps."
One of my co-workers looks sad. Good.
If you're gonna write about smells, you're dead in the water without the word "wafts."
No, not you "paste special." It's never going to be you.
I have more deliberation and hesitation throwing away old socks and underwear than I do buying an new iPhone.
Walked by a mirror in the locker room at the gym & saw that I am having a bad dick day.
This $200 Kiehl's shampoo contains 100% totally made up ingredients, including: nubberbean, jobu oil, dumbledore, dick bark and Ving Rhames.
I've never met a baby named Barbara.
my sister thinks she's soooo much better than me just because I got caught weighing my boobs on the produce scale at the grocery store
Phones are getting too big to carry around. Someone should invent special areas, like glass booths, where you can pay to use a public phone.
So...when you email your booking agent and get a bounce-back saying that email address no longer exists...that's a good sign, right?
Fellas, always keep your guard up. We're constantly thinking about dumping you.
I don't follow football but just how many Rihanna songs do they play during a game?
I feel like every movie out right now has the same title.
My daughter is really hoping to become class president. Last week, she went to Iowa.
Writing a book called "The Ellipsis Went Away" about people who started texting me back then didn't.
There is nothing cuntier than someone saying "I am" instead of "I'm" in a text message.
"I am waiting outside."
Fuck you. Keep waiting.
I get so excited when someone brings out the cake at a birthday party because that means I can leave soon.
Writer for Family Guy and now Dads on FOX. Frequent bathrobe wearer.
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