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It's crazy to think that somewhere there's a family who's excited to reunite with the man who farted up this entire plane.
You can do a lot of things with dignity and your head held high but purchasing rhubarb scented liquid hand soap isn't one of them.
Oh good, this movie has Jessica Chastain-- oh wait, it's just Bryce Dallas Howard... nevermind.
Justin Bieber's Proactiv "Before" photos look worse than Darren Wilson's hospital photos.
Poor "Horrible Bosses II" promoted tweets! Today, you're the dad in the windbreaker at the rock concert.
Worst claim to fame? Person responsible for those giant photos of tomatoes and onions on the wall at Subway.
My mom insists the TV show "The Kids Are In The House" is amazing. I would agree but "The Kids Are in the House" is not a thing that exists.
Nothing worse than a drunk mom on her one night out.
A white dude w/ a hipster beard, knitted cap, fishnet stockings, & heels just trotted across Santa Monica.
Goodie: "What was that?!"
When you tell me to shut up, it's censorship; when I tell you to shut up, it's free speech
One of Hitler's paintings is being auctioned off. Do we want a bunch of Hitler enthusiasts getting together and raising their hands?
I’m so tired I could be on a date with Bill Cosby.
I'm Mexican, but I'm not like "go on Judge Judy to defend my pit bull's actions" Mexican.
Hey ladies, the only surprise you'll get when THIS comic gives you a drink is you'll have to pay for your own drink.
It really bothers me that with all of the pain & suffering in the world today, I didn't get a comedy writing job I was up for in 2010.
Magical lamp wishes:
1. See genie's penis
Writer for Family Guy and now Dads on FOX. Frequent bathrobe wearer.
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