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My white t-shirts are surrender flags with sleeves.
Now I kind of wish I considered anything remotely edible at Burger King so I could boycott it.
It must feel extra shitty to get dumped by Al Green.
I'll shower with Michael Sam. Gimme the date, time and location.
I MADE IT INTO PLAYBOY! (Not for a tweet, but for a review of a Bang & Olufsen home theater system. 3 stars for fidelity and balance!)
I bet Billy Crystal confesses horrific crimes to a tattered, depression era baseball on a candlelit shrine and still works in 2 impressions.
Burger King announced they've bought Tim Hortons and are moving to Canada, if this is America's retaliation for Justin Bieber, well done.
Working on my will and trying to decide who I hate enough to leave a cat to.
I grew up with Jerry. We did everything together. And now I find out that the whole time he was just 3 cats trapped in a flannel shirt.
If there were no such thing as tortilla chips we'd all just drink salsa, right?
(I just drank salsa).
There are going to be like 67 "spontaneous" branded celebrity selfies at the Emmys tonight.
Hey haters, if Jay-Z and Beyonce are getting divorced, why were they affectionate to each other for 9 seconds on live television last night?
"Look down there. Another baseball diamond." --long flights
I'm more concerned about my friend who is into EDM and doesn't do drugs than I am about my friend who just constantly does drugs.
The thing people like most about me is that I have never been on a podcast.
Liam Neeson may spend the rest of his career telling bad guys what he's gonna do to them.
NO ADOBE ACROBAT I DON'T WANT TO UPDATE JUST PLEASE LET ME LIVE MY LIFE
Writer for Family Guy and now Dads on FOX. Frequent bathrobe wearer.
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