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  • trumpetcake
      Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake

    PRISONERS LAST WORDS:

    "And now I shall count to three million."
    "Look under your seats for one last little surprise."
    "He went to Jared."

    • 25
    • FAVS
    AWDubreuiljnpandersonwilliamfortneyNapalmOozJaimeDoesItwally_B_69cyberfunk_mary_mathewson
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    CatfishMcNastymary_mathewsonCJones878ADumbFlowers_xEEx_Jackson_T_Fish
  • mrtimlong
      Tim Long @mrtimlong

    She's a brick house/ So she's generally termite-resistant and can be kept clean with a hose

    • 28
    • FAVS
    brett_myersaliaswans997omarchuckt808BannerComedyjuliussharpeTheNardvarkrachelaxler
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    Paul_0617997omarRJPateryan_guntherCRLemleydamndirtyapiaryCountGripsnatchAvatar_unknown_48
  • trumpetcake
      Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake

    "I was nude in my room when Father first whispered through the door that he was allergic to wheat." - First line of my commencement speech.

    • 79
    • FAVS
    coffinpsalmsjordan_hummChasBransonDamienFaheyArbysOfficialedsherrySoldierOfJazzren_stephen
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    AnonIndustryChasBransonpopesaysjason8932FrankSnotraSamSchneidRhino2124tbeba73
  • MikeRoyce
      Mike Royce @MikeRoyce

    Bumper stickers are Twitter for cars

    • 13
    • FAVS
    YoshuaDavisDharmaCupcakeDamienFaheySarah_RicardKiaChadwickLauraJSilvermanjuliussharpemoryan
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    AdamMarshall409BLeisner
  • JennyJohnsonHi5
      Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5

    I'm not writing any Renée Zellweger or Matthew McConaughey tweets because I don't feel like constantly looking up how to spell their names.

    • 498
    • FAVS
    shamaedhillonmegelishPoliticallyILL1laurenbroooksswissquesoIMICHIRUtamryn_iGManago
    • 161
    • RETWEETS
    RhetteeornotdallingrayNostepinmomSamePageDifDayTheMovemakerKevin_Says_ThatNatsJamesoctavio_hm
  • DannyZuker
      Danny Zuker @DannyZuker

    Bad: A creepy old dude leering at you across the bar. Worse: Discovering you are actually looking at a mirror. #ThisHappened 👴

    • 251
    • FAVS
    sarahdee1218Lazy_Professorfredhickeyhorror216JaySuchAlexandraS___rcbmxAvacadoKatrina
    • 50
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar250SiobhanO80WeirdWorkaholicflanahan32mtbateyArgonzoearlysmombigboigotskillz
  • jonkimmel
      Jonathan Kimmel @jonkimmel

    A white guy just delivered my Chinese food. It appears as though the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King has come true. In a weird way.

    • 34
    • FAVS
    ThePalaceLALittlePalaceLAJayPee_123PlanetGreenEyesATL321kristina1003midnightmarkerBrandograms
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    egacsalocinBarack_McBushAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • BrianRScully
      Brian Scully @BrianRScully

    If I had a time machine I'd go back to the early morning of Nov 22, 1963 and warn President Kennedy that Jackie should wear a darker dress.

    • 60
    • FAVS
    grayk555fRayRobbin__two_finnsConor_DonaghykellistormKUAde25PeterTuranoturdsmclovin
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    scully_jimmydouble_oshoerett324topherseib13garth_worthoGianniMartelleantbanks2323Benjamin_Wills
  • stephescajeda
      Stephanie Escajeda @stephescajeda

    My husband thinks I'm SUPER smart! He asks me every 5 seconds if I think he has cancer.
    Awwww... I'm not a doctor, you silly charmer.

    • 74
    • FAVS
    yafaflyJamesRMarkeyBlake_Tindlesimonr1995Caresvillemburns2109KarinaDoucettesteveyknight
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    medicalmark11kwadelucasanonymia_doxashick924brandexpressionbbpistolaSideshowChickyjuliussharpe
  • IAmMaggieMull
      Maggie Mull @IAmMaggieMull

    I've never had empathy for a missing hiker.

    • 78
    • FAVS
    carlykenlosthighway45Mr_BobbyJohnsonluckypenny888JeremyMuchlerAllAboutJodiRayfieldGilberttrumpetcake
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    forcefateaaronkatiefergJhnftzgrld7JohnGretchenJarrettWhatevaConcTrashCanTrashCamilleismm_mcconchie
  • ChrisRRegan
      Chris Regan @ChrisRRegan

    Need new eyeglass frames. My insurance only covers 3 styles: Pervert Architect, 1930s Banker, and Fiftysomething HAM Radio Enthusiast.

    • 69
    • FAVS
    KEJHPantsimpsonomibaloneyaguynamedryanRockinRocknRowlChristinaORTinapaysinYoshuaDavis
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    UnrvjwmcarterelliottbadstoatRJ_Number8twbellJillD1981BabyCisco2nhyduke
  • porters
      Spencer Porter @porters

    Remember, if your immigrant grandmother introduces a character in the 1st act of her story, she'll whisper you their ethnicity by the 3rd.

    • 26
    • FAVS
    YoshuaDaviskambrosierjeanne_whittkurter21A__KavanaghHenryDietrich1jakecurriemarcijo09
  • bobpowers1
      Bob Powers @bobpowers1

    Ebola patient immediately met friends for Mexican food, douple-dipped in salsa, constantly offered sips of her marg screaming, "TRY THIS!"

    • 27
    • FAVS
    lemonFRIZZIEDoubleTalk2YoshuaDavispurr_ple_suzygluesnifferadamzenkoflixboyjoshcomers
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    StuTaylorMadeang_meier
  • kevinseccia
      Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia

    I'd been in LA less than five hours before my friend mentioned that he had a fig guy at the farmers market.

    • 77
    • FAVS
    YoshuaDavisnateclarkc_nelly_scaryjokeslitfirebirdbrocketxyzvladchocmelaniec212
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    LoremIpsum00alxdemodavidvralmoodybayradioNicCageMatchAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • BrianRScully
      Brian Scully @BrianRScully

    I have always found it a bit amazing that a regular person can just become a dentist.

    • 42
    • FAVS
    SirJamesRichlemonFRIZZIEscullymikedanita_35BentleyTockSoCalMal88emsudesmrmcfresh84
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    nazriqtheMBrosiusGabyZelaya25cesarpyscarbone1AlecKeane1nickbachanmonluscious
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Alumni magazines: find out who's dead now.

    • 27
    • FAVS
    kambrosiershelldashChrisUjkicsharplessshmekiefleshcakeAllison_BurnettMaryVenderley
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    MaryVenderleyAvatar_unknown_48
  • IAmMaggieMull
      Maggie Mull @IAmMaggieMull

    I closed my laptop on half a cookie and when I found it 2 hours later I could have cried with happiness

    • 93
    • FAVS
    HeyAmieatanenhausLauraBowesanimal_hoardergrenadineSCbchbumdanita_35kambrosier
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    HeyAmiebyharryconnollymackieloukatiefergEatingMarzipangubluekgreathizzydmartens9
  • kdn13
      kdn @kdn13

    The real truth lurks inside the texts we start typing but discard.

    • 98
    • FAVS
    SkeenepillYell317TheRealAliZerbeehron369TheNardvarktomaschrefEnsabinKellenRosie
    • 31
    • RETWEETS
    ThatOneGuyKevboywonder777_naimixPhillipMisitiportersReaderMom71poppabearjoshjyjin
  • kevinseccia
      Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia

    Oh a Man Booker Prize NOMINEE? Sorry, I don't read books by losers.

    • 26
    • FAVS
    emilymayrose00Tiger_Lily00FunctioningMathMeBeingUglyallieroachYoshuaDavisdavexl23klickitatstreet
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    00Tiger_Lily00amahle_sanjameyellsveronicawindusAvatar_unknown_48
  • hihough
      James Hough @hihough

    I wish I could occasionally blame my erratic behavior on a new birth control.

    • 17
    • FAVS
    spiderjaydeDongpieceEstevezLeoplasticdeercraftyadambennedetoChancewithaZjuliussharpe
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    ChaseBurns2JRoletto

Julius Sharpe’s Recent Discoveries

@juliussharpe

@juliussharpe

Writer for Family Guy and now Dads on FOX. Frequent bathrobe wearer.

Tweets that @juliussharpe has recently discovered and favorited or retweeted.