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My wife's favorite time to start a conversation with our kids is three seconds after she gets me on the phone.
Cool thing about never having kids is not having to check school districts when I move, unless I decide I ever want to finish high school.
I can't wait for twenty years from now when someone writes into Parade Magazine to ask what Flight 370's been up to lately.
My recent trip to Target has forced me to reexamine my long held belief that yoga pants are always sexy.
They're giving out free popcorn at Home Depot. Trying to get you to buy more drinks! I know that trick!
They invented Coachella so people can enjoy not going to it.
My goal in life is to become overrated.
Finland released new postage stamps depicting erotic scenes of gay men. They’d tried a lesbian stamp, but it kept licking the user back.
Dentist: "I need you to brush 2 minutes every time." Me: "Absolutely. And by '2 minutes', do you mean 'almost 14 seconds'?"
I just gave a homeless man twenty dollars but nobody saw me so I took it back.
Homeless lady on Santa Monica and 4th just told me if she ever had a penis, she'd never stick it in me. I can't blame her.
THE WNBA DRAFT IS ON!!
I am married with three children and I didn't have a baby shower or wedding shower and I didn't have a wedding. I am the best person.
CNN reports a Florida woman was dragged from her garage by bears. In their defense the bears were on spring break and totally fucked up.
Thanks a lot for reminding everyone of the lives they never had, super hot 19-year-olds.
I hear the music from the opening of True Detective every time I go into a staff meeting.
Today I thought, "Maybe I'd like to be a SoulCycle instructor." So, obviously the beginning of some very specific, intense mental breakdown.
Celebrities name their babies like it was the last available Gmail address.
It's normal to spend part of a Sunday morning jog worrying about Tori Spelling's marriage right?
Farmers markets are everywhere! They must be fucking billionaires by now.
Writer for Family Guy and now Dads on FOX. Frequent bathrobe wearer.