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If you're at a hip-hop concert and the MC yells, "Where Brooklyn at?" DO NOT yell back, "Buy a map, dinkus!"
Wonder if that homeless guy with the full head of hair knows how good he has it.
If you didn't want me to get my phone out you shouldn't have paused for a breath between sentences.
Thanks, Greek statues, for making me feel more secure about the size of my dick.
Aleve: trade your headache for a stomach ache!
My phone has been at ten percent battery life for the last four hours. This is the new Hanukkah.
I'd like to take a minute to acknowledge all those who write Yelp reviews for Supercuts. Keep being you, you beautiful weirdos.
Tiger Woods is the Nic Cage of golf. I swear he used to be good.
Did they do Sharkquake yet?
In a recent study, scientists found that 75% of teenage girls are "literally dying" while the other 25% "can't even."
There are millions of places like home, dummy. It's the magical land you're desperately trying to leave that's unique.
it seems like hot days like this would be the worst for being addicted to heroin
Watching a flight for Vegas board. It looks like the kid next door's room from Toy Story.
Well I guess that answers the question "What would it take for you to root for Orlando Bloom?"
"You're 16 / You're beautiful and you're mine." "And you're under arrest."
My daughter is a little feminist. She was so outraged when the Tooth Fairy gave her brother a dollar and she just got 77 cents.
Writer for Family Guy and now Dads on FOX. Frequent bathrobe wearer.
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