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Had a bowl of Honeycombs for the first time in 25 years and didn't understand why they're smaller now. Then realized I'm just a lot bigger.
The biggest asshole in a meeting is the guy who raises his hand at the end when they ask "Are there any other questions?"
The AV Club once called me a hack. But they like my Christmas episode of @theneighborsabc So, Enjoy! http://www.avclub.com/article/in-the-spirit-of-the-holidays-we-check-in-on-the-n-106471 …
Before I drink a coconut water, I make sure the framed picture of my dad isn't facing me.
SON: "Oh my God, Dad, Beyonce just released a surprise album!!!!"
ME: (Long pause, then choking up) "I love you no matter what."
The worst thing you can do to someone is call them on the phone.
I'm 60 years old and I don't want to be buying a new light bulb that's bragging it up that it's going to be around longer than me.
I rationalize every unhealthy thing I do with "John Goodman's done worse."
Humans are the only species that send out terrible Christmas cards.
I just want to meet a nice girl, get married and then spend all my time on the computer pretending to have a farm.
I have a feeling that this is going to be my third deleted unfunny tweet of the day.
Musical karma-wise, McCartney's entire output in the '60s just barely cancels out "Wonderful Christmastime."
I dare you to say the words "Crème fraîche" in front of your dad.
Brilliant insight for 2014: no one gives a shit how tired I am.
India has made gay sex illegal. Crippling poverty and violence against women still okay though.
Got one of those therapy dogs, but after an hour it was like, “That’s our time for today.”
Nothing good ever comes after the phrase "Our records indicate..."
My stripper name would be something simple, like Garlic Knots.
People who talk about how much they hate social media on social media are so stupid. They're like Facebook, which is also so stupid.
Writer for Family Guy and now Dads on FOX. Frequent bathrobe wearer.