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"GOD DAMN IT KYLE, BE A BETTER VESSEL ONTO WHICH I CAN PROJECT MY OWN INSECURITIES AND FAILURES" -honest dad at a high school sporting event
Bitcoin's a sham people, I'm going all-in on Trident Layers™
I'll never be friends with a person who orders a water with no ice. That's some fucking freak shit right there.
How long til a college offers a degree in bracketology?
I think the universe is too polite to tell you that it's not going to happen.
My #1 fashion goal is to constantly make people wonder if my outfit is pajamas.
"Maybe my suicidal depression will be helped by some cheap drinks and free snacks." - The hope of Happy Hour
I feel bad for the world's smallest violinist. Everyone thinks he's being sarcastic all the time
"I'm my own worst enemy." I don't know. People really hate you.
The worst is yet to come.
When building your own burger, write your waiter's name under "meat" then call the chef a coward when you're kicked out.
It's annoying to watch women do their makeup on the subway but sometimes as they're putting it on I'm like "holy shit you're nailing this"
Hey blues song, you don't need to repeat everything. We heard you the first time.
"I don't believe in having regrets." You should. Every decision you've ever made has been terrible.
John Travolta said a person's name wrong. You spent days of your life talking about it. He's such a loser!
your twitter bio disclaimer is so badass and sexy. mmmmmmmmmm
Writer for Family Guy and now Dads on FOX. Frequent bathrobe wearer.