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My recently pubescent son is going through a gross spurt.
I hope all the Anthony Weiner mayoral TV ads end with a "Diving Board" boner sound effect.
"Hey, it'd be nice if every now and then you'd ruin a perfectly good bush and send me a dozen of its dying parts." - ladies, am I right?
My mom: "What is twerking?"
Me: "It's the last word I heard you say before I killed myself."
Let's focus on the important things. How can I use this growing IRS scandal to get out of my afternoon meeting?
This is a thought I just had, "god, it'd be great if 'So You Think You Can Dance' was on tonight."
I've never not flexed in the mirror after sex.
Today on "Things I Didn't Anticipate": got into a fight with the owner of a button store.
At office birthday surprises, I'm always the one surprised when the person walks in the room, because I don't know anyone's name.
Every utterance about life should begin with the phrase, "the trick is..."
Can't wait to insult my wife through our baby: "That's because mommy went to Vassar and has no life-skills!"
Really rich people - what's it like to not have to fill out forms?
I bet it smelled awful in the Love Shack.
Came downstairs to find Glenn Frey had "loosened his load" on my flatbed Ford. No, Glenn, I will not "take it easy"!!!
KROQ - LAs best radio station that plays only "Santeria".
"Super Bowl L" sounds stupid. Nice job ancient Rome.
Apparently, Mitch Hedburg said something similar to my last tweet. So unfollow me, please.
Tan or get your teeth whitened. But only one of those.
The first game made for the new Xbox One is 'Call Of Duty: The Land Of No Pussy'
Writer for Family Guy on FOX. Frequent bathrobe wearer.