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My first car was an El Camino. I drove it off a 30ft cliff while listening to Depeche Mode in 1986
Just once on The Voice I wish before the judges turned around a contestant would sing "Straight Out of Compton"
I can't tell what I'm more upset about: that someone just stole one of my tweets, or that it didn't get any favorites.
I'd make a good waiter at a Chinese restaurant because I enjoy walking away from people as they’re talking to me.
illegal immigrants don’t deserve benefits, unlike me, who fell out of my mom’s vagina on the correct side of an imaginary line
If there was video of me dancing alone at the one rave I went to in '92 I feel like it could really boost my career.
I'm not saying my parents did a horrific job but I AM saying that getting put last on an email makes me feel bad for 24-72 hours MINIMUM.
Someday I hope to make enough money where finding a twenty in my pocket doesn't change my weekend plans.
😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶MUTING SPREE 😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶
Me and other guy at this bar are staring at our phones. Other guy just got a text. Gonna go pat him on the back in congratulations BRB
Was supposed to fly home for my daughter's birthday but I got a high number on my Southwest boarding pass so I'm not going.
Weird to get an escort to come to my hotel room & watch "Up" with me?
Zachary Qinto is better anyways.
Was Spock's Star Trek uniform blue or white? Wrong. It was sexy.
I'd hire someone to clean my apartment, but it's so messy I'd be embarrassed
Biscuits and gravy goes from "the best thing I ever tasted" to "foundation-grade cement" in 20 minutes.
Most people are assholes. The trick is to surround yourself with the ones who annoy you the least.
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