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Anyone who runs for President is a psychopath. "I want to wear a suit every single day."
There's nothing less believable in a movie than seeing the main character give a shit about their job.
If I bought one thing from West Elm six months ago, what's a normal number of emails to get from them every week? 400? 450?
[dennis miller voice]
My bachelor party sweet spot is when I'm done drinking for the night but the group is still at the bar so I stare vacantly at the muted tvs.
Dragged back into the cutthroat world of competitive kites again, and I swear this time there will be blood.
Texting "yay" is the best way to congratulate someone while also conveying that you're not that happy for them.
Unisex T-shirt idea:
I fucked a dullard with bad teeth.
Can't believe I'm the only one at the theater in a Money Monster costume.
I like to imagine a sad man fast-forwarding through a golf tournament he recorded, trying to find where he yelled "get in the hole!"
Congrats to @juliussharpe for the pickup of the comedy he wrote, and the two dramas he ghost-wrote. http://deadline.com/2016/05/fox-pilots-alive-recon-laura-steinel-1201753080/ …
Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne to split citing incomprehensible differences.
The new Prius looks like early 90s origami.
Any phone conversation over 5 seconds with someone that you do not love is exhausting.
Ted Cruz looks like he's typed "Brutal" in the porn site search bar at least a few times.
So glad I don't, like, NEED Star Wars.
The Trump sons are the Hess boys from Fargo.
Prominent figure in the bald community. If I die, please unfollow.
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