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You can either spend $35 to see "Black Mass" or just make some popcorn and read Whitey Bulger's Wikipedia page.
I love my family but lining up outside this Skechers store 36 hours before Black Friday was the right thing to do.
Every year I hope someone in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade just stops, looks around, and says "Guys, what the fuck are we all doing"
Nobody calls me a control freak but me!
The first thing to do before taping a stand-up special is buy a jacket that’ll make you go, “What the fuck was I thinking?!” in seven years.
Guy Fieri looks like he bought his entire wardrobe with Marlboro miles.
I need to be less proud of myself for "saving" money when I return $500 worth of clothes I bought online that I don't need.
Great news. Everyone's relative on Facebook who’s never traveled outside of the US and is 60,000 dollars in debt has the solution for ISIS.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, "That's where it belongs."
This is the oldest thing I've ever read on Twitter. And I follow the Stonehenge account. https://twitter.com/andykindler/status/664684235438088192 …
Helen Keller must have freaked out the first time she had diarrhea.
The world's least athletic team is Team Cavuto.
It can't be a good sign that every fan who has seen the new Star Wars movie died shortly thereafter.
"I've watched it 100 times easily." - a person who watched it two or MAYBE three times
Glad there's no video of me eating in college.
If I owned an NFL team I'd put footballs on the bellies of their uniforms so you could never tell who had the ball on play-action.
Feel like pushing wet dust from one side of the room to the other? Get a Swiffer!
No one on Facebook cares about your anniversary except your spouse and they live in the same house as you so tell them in person and stop it
Prominent figure in the bald community. If I die, please unfollow.
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