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Pro tip: weighing yourself before and after a massive poo lends itself to a swollen ego. You wish you could poo this good.
I just saw a dude get to second base. In a cubicle. Next to mine.
I need an adult.
Fuckmonster (noun): 1. ME
Judging by the sounds in the next stall, she tried to sink my battleshit.
I'm gonna rape that taco bar.
On vacation, only needed 1 coffee each day. At work, need 2nd before settling into my desk. Conclusion, work is bad for my health.
Have had 45 min to fart. Wonder if I now have time to fart & let it dissipate before the Dr comes in for this exam.
Why Tonkin's the best, #459: As I'm texting him to ask if he planned to stop by the liquor store, he texts for my order. Our livers synced.
Sorry for that Tourette's outburst. My liner ripped out a pube.
WISH GRANTED! Cleaning lady exclaimed "oh dear god" when she burst in on my post-coffee/fiber marathon poo session.
Don't know what the hell's in that cold medicine, but I think I'm floating.
My kid was student of the day yesterday and picked for most honest last week. He's never going to be President at this rate.
Fried pickles & fries green tomatoes at dinner last night. Orange poop today. I should see what other colors I can make.
Ate fresh picked raspberries from my yard today. Going to call that a win.
Loaded up on coffee before yoga. I didn't think about that choice long enough.
Too much wine last night means too scared to fart today.
No, YOU use your car's heater to finish drying your hair so you will be on time.
Since I am a woman, and hormones drive my vote, thought I'd prepare to vote tomorrow by having PMS start today & hormones ready to go wild.
Free booze on flights is ALWAYS a good thing.
Between my salad farts & my garlic hummus burps, I'm bringing sexy back, smellier than ever.