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I am opening a swimsuit shop where women sit in a front room and get a Xanax and 3 martinis before they try anything on.
My hubs has Twitter envy so I am blocking all followers who look suspicious and might be him.
It is pretty sad when you have to go back through your timeline to figure out when your period is due. How could you not love Twitter?
This is my 1000th tweet. If you don't star it you are dead to me. #thatisall #thankyou
I want to thank those of you that actually star my shit on occasion. It helps my self-esteem.
Based on what my hubs just said to me, I am 100% sure if he found me dead on floor he would do me one last time before he called 911. GAWD.
Ever since I started on Twitter a few months ago, I have developed a serious phobia of touching other people's cell phones.
Let's all get something straight. WE ARE ALL FUCKING NUTTY. That is why we all love it here.
Daughter sunbathing on front of boat. Boats full of older guys gawking. Hubs screaming "She is 12" me screaming "But, wait look at me"
Will one of you loves (fuckers) give me a god damn trophy? For sam fuck. I give them out like a ho.
Would you mind starring one of my tweets just so I can see what it feels like? Just asking. Remember #karma
I am going to the car wash and Target. Oh shit sorry I thought I was updating status on FB. My apologies.
A teenager is a pretty hefty price to pay for an orgasm.
Twas the night before the first day of school....oh my fucking God I am so happy.
The fact of the matter is that sometimes romance and foreplay are unnecessary.
Why in the sam fuck would I have grounded my oldest on a Friday night? Now I am stuck with her. Remind me to never ever do that again.
I go to my FB page once a day just to make sure everyone still thinks my kids are adorable.
Youngest claims this is his favorite time of year because he can pee outside. I said you are too old for that. He asked why Dad still does
We adopted a family for Christmas. We just got their wish list. My kids learned a powerful lesson. There are no toys on the list. Give.
8- We had a sub today
Me- Was she nice?
8- Yes. She gave us a gummy worm but she was really old!
Me- Like how old?
8- Around your age
Desperately seeking genuinely funny people to distract me from the reality of my life.