Having a cocktail with a lady fashionably wearing a Life Alert necklace. Pardon. My. Swag.

“I’ll have a Jack and Pepsi.” - said absolutely no one, ever.

Best city in the world for a reason. So many people have contributed. Charleston, South Carolina. I love you.

Facebook singlehandedly made high school reunions obsolete. You no longer have to wonder how much better you’re doing.

*takes bow* (._. ) RT @john_s_rector: Best Drunk Twitter Feed  http://www.charlestoncitypaper.com/charleston/best-drunk-twitter-feed/BestOf?oid=4581283 … congrats @justhaveaseat

Apparently indoor kite flying is a thing. I can’t even comprehend anything more white than that.

So, my friend found this gem hanging out on the floor of what I assume would be the bar next to any prison:  http://twitpic.com/bkihsv 

“It’s basically just a large collection of mediocre shit.” - Netflix Instant

Gather ‘round children. Let me tell you the tale of all the fucks I give. It’s a short story.

Deaf people will never know the shame that comes with owning (and using) a Bluetooth headset.

Remember that time I texted the Jerry Springer Show? Well, this gem just arrived:  http://twitpic.com/bh9dk8 

Diane Sawyer is around 78% Pinot reporting right now.

Oh look. Some unemployed kayakers. #chswx

How to watch the #OpeningCeremony: Mute the TV, pour yourself a little liquor, turn on anything by Three 6 Mafia, be nude.

"Girl look at that body. Girl look at that body. We need you to identify it." - the coroner

Dear restaurants,

Take the fucking tail off the shrimp.

My timeline disappoints me. You don’t have to care about the businesses involved. You should care that a lot of people just lost their jobs.

Fire. RT @absalom: Does anyone know how to get caviar stains out of seersucker?

BEST WEEK EVER IS BACK?!?! #pantiesoff

Well, NOW I get the cause for alarm.  http://twitpic.com/b8rbwf