@justinjewell's (Justin Jewell) recently faved Tweets...
You know how when you're really constipated it feels like you're being poisoned from within and you start to kind of miss that gerbil?
10
Is it weird that there's a 12-inch vibrator and a picture of the guy my girfriend used to date buried in her underwear drawer?
15
OK so you're surprisingly Internet-savvy and I masturbate for dudes there. Now can we put this whole chatroulette.com fiasco behind us, Mom?
Gonna light some candles, blast my Billy Ocean and reenact scenes from "License to Drive" with my cat. Yup, typical Wednesday night.
12
What I do in the privacy of my own home is between me, two Thai ladyboys, a car battery, alligator clips, KY, my monkey and The Gimp.
When your lover gets all cold in bed you gotta stick that cantaloupe back in the microwave YA KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' FELLAS
13
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spi—OK hot neighbor's calling the cops, time to climb down from her balcony
OK, that my girlfriend treated herself to an expensive fuck machine is one thing. But is the backup power generator really necessary?
12
I bet God drinks Early Times in the shower while crying and cursing himself for forsaking himself, too.
Looks like my girlfriend has put on some weight. Her panties aren't nearly as tight on me as they used to be.
Evening To-Do List:
1) Put on my pretty makeup
2) Tape my shame between my legs
3) Give it the lotion/hose ultimatum
4) Feed Precious
1) Put on my pretty makeup
2) Tape my shame between my legs
3) Give it the lotion/hose ultimatum
4) Feed Precious
Hungover, I downed a pot of coffee and a cold pizza without vomiting faster than it took my girlfriend to jog 10 miles BECAUSE I AM A WINNER
She charges a hundred bucks for a rusty trombone but slaps me for offering an extra twenty to pop my butt zits? In THIS economy?!
"One cock ring to bone them all!" —Me, on role-play night, wearing half a Frodo costume and standing over the fires of Mount Doom (my lady).
13
The Bentley pulls beside me, window lowers and a monocled man requests fancy mustard. Panicked, I toss him my French's and run screaming.
Her: I'm gonna mount your hard drive! Me: HUH? Her: Just making my dirty talk more appealing to you. Me: Oh. Her: So… Me: I didn't say stop.
My New Year's resolutions:
1) Stay positive
2) Donate more
3) Help girlfriend overcome ridiculously sensitive gag reflex
1) Stay positive
2) Donate more
3) Help girlfriend overcome ridiculously sensitive gag reflex
Jeez, how long's a guy gotta lie on a baby changing table in his soiled adult diaper before this lady stops screaming and changes me?!
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