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"Leaked." "Leaked" photos. Like that time someone leaked into my house and then leaked my safe full of money out to their car.
I'm glad Natalie Portman and Jacques Cousteau never got married, because it would be hard to think of a portmanteau for their last names.
♫ Bilbo, Frodo, Aragorn / Gollum, Kili, Fili, Thorin / Gandalf white, Gandalf grey / What else do I have to say / WE DIDN'T START THE SHIRE
Oh yeah? Well where's my International MEN'S Day— *is crushed by a giant 5,000-ton history book*
Keanu Reeves turns 50 years old today. If his age goes back below 50 at any point, he will die.
Hipsters should be scene, not herd.
♫ Billy Joel is not my lover / He's just a guy who says piano is fun
Now that Ryan Gosling has a child, he is legally required to change his own last name to Goose.
Designing the ultimate college poster: a big picture of Che Guevera which, when closely examined, is composed of thousands of Bob Marleys.
Don't bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact, don't bring anything to a gunfight. Don't go to the gunfight. It's a *gunfight*.
I've almost reached the level of Top 40 unawareness where I go, "Wow, this new Weird Al album is all originals!"
Now comes the difficult moment Canadian companies have to decide whether to say they support our hockey team in commercials or condemn them.
MAN: Hey baby c'mon, why aren't you smiling?
WOMAN: *whispers facts & statistics to him for 30 minutes, walks away*
MAN: *now also frowning*
Happy Canada Day to Queen Elizabeth II, inventor of the microwave!*
**that small wave she does, I don't know what it's called
A brunch place called Friends With Benedicts
Stand-up Comedian | TV Writer | @22_Minutes | JFL | @TheSketchersons | @UrbaneExploring | Finding Bessarion | Feminist | Friendly | jeremywoodcock at gmail