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Friends: 319
Followers: 880
Favs Given: 6,559
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@k2bf's (Glen) most faved Tweets...
k2bf
Out of order?

No, YOU’RE out of order!

THIS WHOLE GODDAMN RESTAURANT'S OUT OF ORDER!

Oh, sorry. I misheard you. Yes, I am ready to order.
@k2bf
k2bf
There once was a Dalai Lama,
Who met with Barack Obama.
And in good fun,
When asked what they'd done,
Together they said "Yo Momma"
@k2bf
k2bf
If my morning crossword puzzle could talk, it would say "You complete me."
@k2bf
k2bf
If I laid all of my female followers end-to-end, that would be awesome.
@k2bf
k2bf
In my house, staring at a beautiful fire. Wishing it wasn't inside my toaster oven.
@k2bf
k2bf
I've never done a wife swap, but I do have one I'd be willing to just donate.
@k2bf
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k2bf
I have a clock I can't figure out how set the time on, so I have to stay up until midnight to plug it in.
@k2bf
k2bf
Sir, I will cautiously agree to put my hands in the air but I most certainly will *not* wave them like I just don’t care.
@k2bf
k2bf
My treadmill is a Weapon of Ass Reduction.
@k2bf
k2bf
I have a Mac question for you experts.

What kind of cheese goes best with it?
@k2bf
k2bf
I met a guy with no chin today and all I could think about was how he puts pillowcases on.
@k2bf
k2bf
Big girls don’t cry. Unless you point out to them that they’re big.
@k2bf
k2bf
A good woman will bend over backward to please her boyfriend, but a *great* one will bend over forward.
@k2bf
k2bf
Wife: "Glen - come quickly!"

Me: "Finally. Something I'm good at."
@k2bf
k2bf
Check out my tilts.
I want you in my plants.
Grab my lass.
Blend me over.
Let me see your clock.


What the L?
@k2bf
k2bf
You say: "I don't drink."

I hear: "Designated driver."
@k2bf
k2bf
"Daddy, the Tooth Fairy forgot to come."

"Well Princess, maybe the Tooth Fairy was really stressed and passed out next to 14 empties."
@k2bf
k2bf
It’s about time we make sleeping dogs tell the truth.
@k2bf
k2bf
Do I do that annoying thing where I ask a question and then answer it myself? Yes I do. Am I proud of it? No.
@k2bf
k2bf
My days are numbered. On every single one of my calendars.
@k2bf
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