"Thank" should be past tense for think. At least I thank so.

I wonder if ghosts ever watch people masturbate

Why do I have a crush on kevin bacon? He sounds fucking delicious is why. #bacon.

I think it's funny when people say food doesn't agree with them. Why are you trying to argue with your food?

Girls are wearing those dresses with nothing underneath #happysummer

Heaven may be running on empty, yet the devil rides.

Do roofies still work if you put them in mac+cheese? I'm asking for me.

Remind me to never ever cheat on carrie underwood. Holy fuck.

"I need to lose ten pounds"-me while eating spoonfuls of Nutella.

Just saw luigi at the crazy house, all those shrooms, not surprised.

It would be terrifying if it was actually raining men. Especially naked men.

I spend
27% of my time checking myself out in the mirror
32% of my time making up random percentages
the last 59% being bad at math

Sometimes I sound really intellectual and other times I'm talking

Almost ate an expo eraser because it looked like a brownie #fatass

Trying this new diet called "I can't afford to buy food"

I love my drugs, I would never abuse them.

I want some fucking tattoos

Everyone has to follow @jstcallmefrank one of my favorite fucking tweeters, and ill cut your tits and balls of if you don't. :) kthanksbai

My cat's so happy to see me, he's in ecstasy, drooling and rolling around, awh, sometimes I forget how much I love him.

Sext: "I'm about to run a train on these nachos"