Yo, she said yes

Open the bathroom stall to see a dog sitting, casually reading the paper. "They'll never believe you" he says. He continues reading.

You lookin at me? Are you looking at me? Robert De Niro sighs. The laser eye surgery for his blind wife failed again

If she doesn't text back for at least 30 minutes and when she does all she talks about is salmon #YouKnowSheAGrizzlyBear

I haven't been mentioned by any compliment accounts :( does this mean I'm not cool?

Job well done @mattmcfarfar @mitch_bayliss pic.twitter.com/9VCsxDDO

Go to school. Get a job. Get married. Have kids. Get old. Die.
There's gotta be more than that

"If you let fancy dance do his dance, he's gunna be in the endzone, doing his dance" Good season boys, it's been a pleasure

Stop hating each other and enjoy the fact that the Blue Jays have won 4 of their last 6 games

If the world does end tmrw, I'm at the Valley of Gods Judgement, where it is said God will judge at the end of days pic.twitter.com/qkH7AigF

Please stop retweeting @ohwonka and all other condescending Wonka accounts. #overdone

"So sick of all these fake people!" ~ person lost in a mannequin factory

Umpire in today's #bluejays game pic.twitter.com/dF4vaEVAQk

Django Rechained #SadSequels

@samdickson24 more like LL Cool GAY

Merry Christmas from a very crowded Bethlehem pic.twitter.com/hhS10u2Y

Did you just subtweet yourself? RT @e_degeer: I think if you tweet about needed a #freshstart 40 more times it still isn't gonna happen

“@wondering_wonka: Oh, you wear Polo and Sperrys? Tell me how original your style is." pic.twitter.com/kItZHSF2QO

It's Monday. At least you aren't stuck in a tire pic.twitter.com/X4hqR4ngGt

I am confident I will not be cold today #layers