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DIET DECEMBER IS GOING GREAT I COULD HAVE EATEN 13 PIZZAS BUT I ATE 12
I bought magic mike and I got 20$ in ones and I've been throwing them at the television for 36 minutes straight.
Yoga pants are my boyfriend
If you like me on twitter, you'll hate my guts in real life.
Real marriage: After you take a crap, flush it so I know it's real.
Daniel Radcliffe should push over Kristen Stewart.
Sometimes, we just read saiges tweets out loud just so they sound even dumber.
Now I can add my first ultrasound to my pullout of pictures in my wallet, here's betta Lou, chihuahua Sadie, and my unborn child.
"Did you wash your hair today?" Josh
"No, why?" Me
"Oh no reason it just smells like dodger stadium and a casino combined." Josh
I think I'm going to name my baby Han Solo or Luke Skywalker or Sandperson #3
Like lol nobody cares you're engaged
Serious tweet: why are frogs considered "valentinesy"? Like here's this giant frog to show my love. 🐸❤
You're wedding hungry, not marriage hungry. Trust me on that one.
Marketing idea: fiscal clif bars
Just heard josh break his New Years resolution of not swearing at 12 year olds on call of duty, here's to 2014.