If you don't think ice cream, toaster stroodle, and coffee is an acceptable breakfast combination, then we will never be in love.

On the first date I like to tell them how excited my cats are to have a man around the house, ensuring I never have to shave my vagina.

My cat still hasn't found my G spot.

You know its a special occasion when i shave above my knee. Here I come Pizza Hut buffet!

I wonder if my neighbor realizes that everytime he pulls out of her driveway in her slug bug, my sister gets another bruise.

"Well my biggest strength is probably putting my hair in a ponytail while I'm driving" - Mr at a job interview

Poured the cereal into my bowl before realizing I'm out of milk. Why do bad things happen to good people?

I'm eating greasy curly fries and ice cream from the tub so who wants to take me to prom?

So what if the ring is plastic and cost a quarter. I'M STILL GETTING MARRIED TO THE DRUNK GUY FROM THE BAR LAST NIGHT.

I totally get those people who say they don't like coffee but they like the smell. I'm the same way with sex.

My Amazing Race is trying to arrive at work after our morning meetings but before the custard filled doughnuts are gone.

I joined Twitter because my hot, male cousin got married and this seemed like the right support group.

starting a business kinda like stripping, except i get paid to put clothes on.

Took my black friend to the vet today because he still didn't believe white people have doctors for animals.

I'm at the CLUB (my house) drinking MARTINIS with all my FRIENDS (cheap bitch beer, all alone) because its friday night.

I'd probably go watch the Hunger Games if it was just the opposite of The Biggest Loser.

I wish they made giant capri suns because i'm an adult.

Legally Blonde is on cable so nevermind everything.

I wish this kid by me in line at the store had to limit his words to 140 characters.

If you dedicate a song to me i will love you together. Okay, maybe not. But i'll at least pretend the thought of you doesn't completely ...