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Dropped my phone face down and it didn't crack the screen. Just in case any of you didn't believe in miracles.
My boss always manages a criticism where a thank you would be more appropriate. I bet she's a fucking joy to be married to.
Addendum: They wanked the porcine beasts, not the boys in blue. The latter was my privilege.
Watching how cute the kid & her bf are brushing their teeth together and realizing at my age my next bf prolly won't have any.
I want a do over.
I just spent 2 hrs of my life that I'll never get back in the T-Mobile store getting the kids phones for Christmas that are nicer than mine.
Grow your beard out, just weird out 🎅
I'd try publicly shaming CVS/Caremark into showing some actual competence but modern America is immune to shame. Need to escalate to arson
There’s nothing Facebook likes more than that goddamned elf on a shelf. I just told my kids to be good or I’d take their shit back. The end.
Anyway, now there is a boy in my house. My daughter looks about twelve in her dumbo pjs. He's a great kid, but my heart is still pounding.
I'm the gay man your mother warned you about. Creator of the hashtag #powerbottom and fucking proud of it. Also the Monkey Master. #BBBH