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Duchess of drunkness
No matter how much beer I drink I'll never get as smashed as my iPhone is
all i wanna do is do nothing with you
I can tell I'm too stoned because I just drove past the order screen straight to the food window without ordering
hey girls stop hating girls for posting provocative pictures online, if you can't appreciate the view keep scrollin'
20 fedoras went missing from work today. The culprits were either Cuban or in a ska band for sure.
my pissed jeans shirt came in the mail today :)
my favorite palindrome? xanax
if the word "fentoozler" has no relevance to her, she's too dang young
the overwhelming sadness you feel when you realize you will probably outlive all of your favorite animals
If you're favorite Seinfeld is anyone but George... Unfollow yourself.
I hope my children never ask me about how magnets work
Cereal is the best when you're high because it's a food AND a drink. #atthesametime
I'm no gynecologist but I know a cunt when I see one.