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No matter how much beer I drink I'll never get as smashed as my iPhone is
“@heyzeusyxtes: Puerto Rican girls got on short shorts today”🙏 thank god for summer
I can tell I'm too stoned because I just drove past the order screen straight to the food window without ordering
hey girls stop hating girls for posting provocative pictures online, if you can't appreciate the view keep scrollin'
20 fedoras went missing from work today. The culprits were either Cuban or in a ska band for sure.
if the word "fentoozler" has no relevance to her, she's too dang young
the overwhelming sadness you feel when you realize you will probably outlive all of your favorite animals
If you're favorite Seinfeld is anyone but George... Unfollow yourself.
“@swagboyshoosh: I'm mad horny” How to not get Chicks: By Peter Shoosh
Cereal is the best when you're high because it's a food AND a drink. #atthesametime
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