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always wondered if it's clown makeup that causes a person to commit murder, or if it's murder that causes people to wear clown makeup.
I would rather smell a wet band-aid finger than listen to my voicemails.
how many jokes about sex does a girl have to tell on twitter to feel better about herself? Some of these girls have got to be getting close.
Things always start to look up when you remember that you're just an online degree away from being a private investigator.
Unemployment getting you down? Give yourself a promotion. Today I'm a stay-at-home astronaut.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Things I am best at: Forgetting coffee mugs in the microwave, getting unintentionally pregnant.
Men greatly overestimate a woman's desire to be emailed pictures of dicks.
According to his baby book, I lost all interest in my child when he turned 5 months old.
Nothing tastes as good as sweat pants feel.
"Hey Mom! Wanna watch me punch Elmo?" -you have no idea.
For the past 3 days I've woken up to, "Mom! Look at my penis, its huge!" It never ceases to amaze you, does it boys?
disappointment looks like a minivan and tastes like cheap champagne.
In case you forgot, dry-humping used to be a thing.
You can accurately predict which Jeopardy contestant will win by how uncomfortable their "funny story" makes you.
I wonder what other mind blowing accomplishments the guy who first put carpet in a bathroom is up to.
It's funny how sometimes we say things that we mean.
Shocked to find out that Subarus can play other music besides the Indigo Girls.
Every bad decision can be traced back to that time you thought bangs were a good idea.
an aggressive Marc Summers
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