few things make me sadder than the look on "guy who pulls down his tray table early when he sees the inflight drink cart roll out"'s face.

Forget half-assing work today. I'm safely flying this ass at quarter-mast

As a kid I wanted super-abilities. 20 years later & my only power is picking out a good avocado.

Life can underwhelm you like that.

Professor makes an A-team joke and as my solitary laugh echoes through the auditorium I realize: I am old.

Bury me where I fell: under a pile of bags & a 24 pack of paper towels. My epitaph: "Always brought the groceries inside in just 1 trip."

1am and I'm up watching a dog eat an avocado. 2009 is off to a roaring start.

I like to pretend we're in a world w/o hair dyes & unusual hair colours all come with back stories: mutations, falls into chemical vats...

I salute you, Mr. Combover in a Convertible for throwing both caution and a hairflap to the wind.

I'm the 1 black guy in a lecture about reperations. Surrounded by more guilty looks than at an Onanists Anonymous mtg in a carnival funhouse

When the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse arrive, it will be on a Continental flight. They will have been delayed in Newark.

"Y'know back in my day tickets came on heavy cardboard in an envelope"
Fascinating, lady. And how did you saddle your winged beasts.

"I don't even know who Venn is. I think he just invented those diagrams and then that was it."

If choosing the worst entrée on the menu was a superpower I'd atleast have a cape I like.

"Have a good night, sir"
Lady, it's 11pm & I'm buying a mop & a gallon of disinfectant. I think we're past good night and on to Godspeed.

Flowers a'bloom,
birds a'flutter,
fresh casket deliveries next door.
Living next to a mortuary really takes the spring out of your step.

Surprisingly cuckoo for cocoa puffs

I'm clearly not the target of the US toothbrush design/marketing campaign. I want oral care, not a festival in my mouth. Tone it down.

I shoot film instead of digital; I prefer to postpone my disappointment as long as possible.

To the lady in Whole Foods watching New Jack City, on YouTube, in 11 parts: when can we get married?

Obsessed with the idea that I could beat an Owl at Scrabble.