Not to brag, but I can have any guy I don't want.

I can't get the room dark enough to justify fucking you.

I'm one of those people that no one warned you about.

My boyfriend says that wearing a chastity belt topless is "sending mixed signals".

In drug years, I'm dead.

The only thing I can offer a child is fetal alcohol syndrome.

I wish I could meet a guy with Serena Williams body.

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

There's a strange relief in finally knowing how little you meant to someone.

I no longer have orgasms. I just tap out.

I wish my mind would give me the silent treatment.

I do my best cheerleading during bar fights.

It's not poetry, if it's not written in blood.

Owen Wilson's nose wants a scoop of ice cream.

I have issues that only a prison inmate would love.

Thought I was seeing a beautiful sunset, but it was just a gang of pelicans dismembering a Jehovah's Witness.

You look a lot like my next mistake.

It's never too late, but it usually is.

I'm never going to be casual. I'm intense & passionate. I make no apologies. I am a risk worth taking.

I have a landline & pubic hair. Call me.