"No" means "eat me out first".

You look happy. Let me fuck that up for you.

It's not my fault you think I am a bot, I can't read the goddamn captcha because it looks like someone vomited on it.

If you say you love dancing and you are fat, I'm going to assume you meant eating.

When a dude starts yelling "NOBODY FUCKS WITH ME" on the bus, that is my stop.

Freudian slips all up in this mom. I meant bitch. All up in this bitch.

I want a whiteboard so I can write really big math problems on it and pace back and forth.

Don't worry, I only find Christian Bale sexually attractive when he is chopping up prostitutes. Because there is something wrong with me.

404 sleep not found.

Purging my list of followers, if I unfollow you it's not because I don't love you. It's because I *never* loved you.

I put my pants on like everyone else;
laying on the floor because I am uncoordinated and fell over.

Going to change my middle name to "non sequitur" because light bulbs.


Am I doing this right?

Drinking blood makes me a vampire right? Do I have to apply the glitter myself or does that come later?

If I wear Bermuda shorts does that make my lady parts the Bermuda triangle?

Nude pictures of Megan Fox leaked? This is great news!
I've been trying to find a way to become bulimic again, this should do the trick.

If you are over the age of 18 and you don't know how to use apostrophes properly, you are dumb and we can't be friends.

Narwhals with chainsaws instead of horns is probably my best idea today so far.

I don't hear much of what you say because I'm only paying attention to my reflection in your eyes.

Oh hey 6am, I'm only here because I'm waiting for a package.

I wont know for sure if that's an innuendo or not until I see the FedEx guy.

What is the name of that Aphex Twin song? It goes WHRRRRRRRR FZZZZZT DRRRRRRM ZZZZP SSSSSSSSSST