City leaders advise restraint: wait ten days before making "#bostonstrong" tattoo decision.

My roommate hates Game of Thrones, so I have to watch it alone like some basement dwelling adult son of disappointed parents.

Claire Danes, Julia Stiles - we talked it over. We only need one of you.

Nostalgic for a time when men kindly called each other "fella." And stripper ladies were beauuuuutiful.

My favorite bedtime story is the one where Anna Kendrick and Jennifer Lawrence are best friends and they ask me to hang out with them.

In my heart and in my ass, I really am just a sassy, black lady.

A white kid never sounds whiter than when he says "rapper."

I dare you to watch 2 hours of Guy Fieri and not like him. He's wicked nice, you guys.

Music is blaring outside, and my first instinct was to run out and yell "what is the meaning of this!?" So if anyone has some acid or pot...

The creator of "The Following" is the same guy who created "Dawson's Creek." And then it all* made sense.

*nothing

I was drinking manhattans like I was Lucille Bluth last night. Related: brown liquor causes night terrors.

I would take Thoreau's, "Simplify! Simplfy! Simplify!" advice more seriously if it were just, "simplify."

What's more annoying? Scarlet Johansson speaking French or. No. Sorry. That's the most annoying.

Voicemails from family members should be illegal.

I need Cee Lo Green to be my alarm clock, my gps voice, my mirror mirror. I'll get a foot stool for the rest.

Grown women who call their fathers "daddy." Get help.

@uncle_benjii No, I mean, it's not a big deal, I just, I bought those vitamin waters for me. #WhiteCoupleFight

@jedimindsnacks And so proves the rule: seeing a movie on a plane is like eating pizza shitfaced. It will be awesome. sorryIsaiditwasgood

I used to commemorate Margarita Day by dropping clothing on the street. Now I eat guacamole like I'm getting executed tomorrow.

Drunk Me has absolutely no regard for Hungover Me.