Just joined a gang, we basically just fuck people's gardens up.

Noticed an old man running shirtless in some khaki shorts, it's a pretty dangerous neighborhood.

Made the mistake of leaving my twitter profile open.. found that my sister had followed every single Nickelback account she could find.

I feel bad because some of the best facial hair I've ever seen was wasted on a woman. Some guys can't even grow a mustache :(

Don't say "keep the change" like a high roller. It's 36 cents.

I'd trade some pizza for coffee.

Let all the plants die so my family won't go on vacation without me ever again..

I like Twitter because people can't send me Farmville requests. Sorry, grandma.

I wanna do those quirky WalMart steak commercials, only I tell people they just ate their dog.

I spend 10 minutes at Walmart and see at least 8 belly buttons. Pull down your tube top a bit.

Don't walk in front of my car like you don't give a fuck. That's my thing.

Is Carrot Top still getting a ton of pussy?

Thank goodness every radio station has informed me that it's hot outside, I almost went outside in my snow suit.

My family isn't White Trash enough to get their own show :'(

I know you think you are hot shit because you just got your license but FYI the slow lane is on the right side.

The public pool is a giant bath tub that I would prefer to avoid.

If I see something in the pool that is probably a leaf but MIGHT be an insect, I'm calling it a day.

Just took dangerous amount of children's cough syrup. Bye, friends.

I drink warm beer sometimes so I'm pretty sure I could win Fear Factor.

HELP, GUYS. I cannot stop watching Extreme Couponing and I want those dealssssss.