I want to live in a world where the mental health lobby is as powerful as the gun lobby

Someone just mistook my low self esteem for kindness

Now the Pope can watch Breaking Bad

Man in front of me is wearing a hooters tshirt, which is awesome because he has the biggest rack I have ever seen.

They say Twitter is a time suck. I say no. How long, for example, wd it take me to phone 27 000 of my closest friends to say I like carrots?

The Pope is giving up being Pope for Lent

Tom Cruise and Katie are getting a divorce because she refused to go to Magic Mike with him

Today is that time, once in four years, where I learn where all the states are.

I just got a robocall from Bill Clinton--He asked me what I was wearing

Sign every query letter "I love you." #BadQueryingTips

idea: marathoners run 26 miles into non-powered hoods and deliver supplies to pple who can't get them -the one who helps the most, wins

Vatican wants new Pope by next week. Might I suggest Amazon Prime?

I just told my kids that Mitt Romney's real name was Mittens

Every morning, when the alarm rings, my first thought is: "there must be some mistake."

I love my children every second of every minute of the day, but I feel that extra special love for them when they fall asleep

Narcissism means never having to say you're sorry. Codependancy means having to say it 972 times a day.

I just got a text from an unknown number, saying "hi i'm amy and very sexy. wanna talk?" I texted back "not if you're gonna brag."

Narcissism means never having to say you're sorry. Codependancy means having to say it 972 times a day.

There's like five Home Alone movies. Shouldn't we be calling social services?

A woman's place is in the binder