Can't wait to wake up wish I went to bed earlier hate my job realize there are people without one feel bad smoke pot stay up drinking again

Hey dude thanks I really appreciate the pick @heytonyiscool

I love ya Marcia Gay Hard-on @bmarked21! Thanks for the pick. Sending you a pack of singing naked gay men in honor of my appreciation

Thanks for the ToTD yoooo @nouveaubroke

I'm most graceful after I put my nephew down for a nap and tip-toe out only to fall down a flight of stairs and wreck a folding table

The only thing I think of when I hear church choirs is a tiny Macaulay Culkin waiting for his family to reappear

I'm on a whole foods diet so I never eat just half of my Baconator

I love you marijuana but you have definitely made me about 16% pure stupid. Or would it be stupidity? Fuck. What was the question?

Thanks for the gold @lucyworld1. I've killed 4 people with my shower singing since that tweet but your trophy makes it worth it

Stuff your feelings up your ass, smuggle them to Mexico and sell them to Juan for 10 bags of cocaine

My real life shit quota has recently peaked and my funny has subsequently taken a hiatus. Sedative and alcohol donations will be accepted

I just tried to go for a run and I'm pretty sure I went into cardiac arrest, broke both legs and had an abortion

@earlofwestfield YES I MEANT QUICHE FUCK

THANK YOU @simplynamedtron you are spectacular and made me feel less stabby

Shut your cock pocket CHARLENE your opinion doesn't matter because you smell like keish and moth balls

When you first open the bag, beef jerky smells like the most savory fart in the world

Thank you to the awesome @awesomeseank for the pick. I realize that statement was redundant but it was worth it

I wonder how long before everyone notices I poured NyQuil in their jäger bombs

Asking what my favorite part of 2012 was infers that I remember any of it

Thanks to an old twitter pal of mine @reinert03 for the pick! Follow him for humor stuff