Got kicked out of Whole Foods because I allegedly "got nude" and "rolled around" on their display of "fine cheeses."

I'm eating starches so complex even they don't know who they are anymore.

Coaxed a clown into my hot air balloon then jumped out with a parachute. God speed, you fuckin' clown.

Today I filled a 400 gallon tank w PopRocks then had the neighborhood kids come over & pour Coke on top. Anyway, can someone call my lawyer?

Friendless? Remove sweatpants.Apply real shirt/pants. Check reflection in mirror (if not avail. use back of spoon).Open door. Yell for help.

Doctors called. It's confirmed. I have Adult-Onset Sweat Pants. There is no cure.

A guy in a HazMat suit just told me I was too cute to handle. Then he lowered me by forklift into the quarantine tent.

If you look real close at Shirley (MacLaine)'s face you'll see she's made up of millions of microscopic antique sock puppets.

Is SNL for other people or the just the ones that are in it?

So, a clown walks into a bar. The bartender says "You're such a beautiful girl, you don't need to wear all that makeup." [thank you]

Put a defrosted Eggo in my neighbor's mailbox as a peace offering this morning. Will wait for response.

Next Up On TODAY: Hoda kills and eats a grizzly bear and 10 great fashion ideas for drowning yourself in a lake.

Francis (my fruit bat) will personally come to your home and savagely bite your children's tender heads for $39.98. DM for details.

We all gave up a little today, didn't we.

You've got to try Yankee Candle's new line of delicious-smelling shampoos! I just bought "Grampa's Pipe Tobacco" and "Snatch." Instant fan!

I get overexcited for people. This is my curse. This is why I'm almost always clapping.

To celebrate David (Bowie)'s birthday, we're taking him to Applebee's, and then to Target where he can pick out any toy he wants (under $5).

If you look real close at Judge Joe (Brown)'s hairline you'll discover that it's just ants.

I sometimes pretend I'm dead just to see if my cat will try to eat me.

Now that the English people are all asleep, let's talk about that fucking "Jubilee." Jesus, what the fuck was that all about?!